Belated Repentance

Our relationship reached the point of no return when we decided to go to the cinema on a Sunday's late afternoon.

We were in a hurry, hoping to get there in time, but a car appeared from the other side of the road, taking a u-turn, and my car came to stop before crashing into it. I missed it only by an inch.

I got angry and made gestures to the driver and he in turn, with his passengers, did the same. When I headed off, he decided to came rushing after me, advancing his speed to my left and suddenly changed the lane into mine.

I got furious and did the same. This time, when already in front of his car, I slowed down quite abruptly, waiting for the impact, which never occured.

He got outrageous and did the same. Now we are both running down the tunnel under a monument and he came into my front and pulled over. Luckily, with such incredible speed, I stopped the car right before it would crash.

We pulled over, emotions boiling. After a few seconds, I decided to go on, leaving the damn car behind.

I never heed the warning that Pol was pouring out at that critical moment.

Now it was his turn to get furious. When we arrived the cinema, he got out of the car without a word. The only communication I got afterwards was an SMS; If you don't care for your life, you should care for the others.

I never replied, called nor sent any message to say "I am sorry", for one week. Not because I did not regret what I had done but I needed time to think it over. I didn't want my apology to be just a mere word of "sorry" without deeper, more sincere meaning. If I had to say it, I had to really be "sorry". Sorry for my actions and consequences thay may have followed. I knew that at the moment, any insights, blocked by boiling emotions and prejudice over myself, would not come to me. That was why I preferred to do some serious thinking about me, my actions and the consequences.

Why did I did what I did? Why was I losing control? Didn't I care for the one I loved who was sitting next to me? ... and the most heart-aching question of alls ... What if something out of expectation had happened?

After days of pondering, I was so sure that I really regretted my reckless actions, which should never have taken place to begin with and might have caused tremendously more damage than one could ever imagine, either to me or the adversary. It was a foolhardy decision, full of rage and selfishness; the wish to satisfy one's own inner anger while putting the others' lives at stake.

This couldn't be undone. All I could ever do was took a courage to call and say "I am sorry" and explaning the absence of my communication after the incident. I knew it was all my fault and I regretted it but he said it was too late.

All I needed to explain was already explained to him. It was not in my power to have a final say on the fate of our relationship because, I think, the culprit did not have the right to choose but only to explain the motives of his actions and whether he had repented or not. He, on the other hand, was entitled to the right to making the choices that needed to be made.

So, now, I only sit back, feeling agitated, and be ready for any judgment thay may come.