Feliz Año Nuevo 2009.

Bueno, bueno, aquí estamos otra vez, al principio del nuevo división temporal que todos denominamos "año". La verdad es que para mí no es differente que cualquier otro día, pero por lo menos, nos sirve como un mojón en nuestra vida para que podamos ver lo lejos que hemos caminado y cuánto más nos falta por alcanzar nuestras metas.

El 2008 me ha dejado una multitud de experiencia inolvidable, que me ha hecho sentir más mayor y mentalmente preparado que nunca.

Me dio las oportunidades de aprender, adaptarme y prestar más tiempo a mis pensamientos y razonamiento. Aprendí a organizar distintos aspectos de mi vida que siempre me exigían mucho más de lo que tenía para ofrecer. Siempre lo había creído imposible, pero al enfrentarme con varias situaciones exigentes e inevitables, logré hacer posible lo imposible. Y, por supuesto, de todo esto, me siento muy orgulloso.

Aparte de lo mencionado, hay un tesoro inestimable que el año pasado me ha regalado. No sé cómo y cuándo sucedió, pero, de repente, cuando crucé el fin del 2008 hacia este año me sentí un gran impulso de compartir todo lo mejor a mi familia y todos mis mejores amigos a los que había tenido suerte de conocer.

No es que nunca había tenido esta impresión antes, pero esta vez es mucho más fuerte que nunca. Al darle muchas vueltas en la cabeza, llegué a la conclusión de que quizá haya sido por los obstáculos difíciles a los que nunca habría podido sobrepasar sin los apoyos de mis seres queridos.

Dejé de pensar intensa y solamente en mi mismo y empecé a mirar, con mucho cariño y amor, hacia mis alrededores, a todos mis acompañantes del camino, tanto los que se encuentran físicamente cerca de mí como los que están al otro lado del mundo, y desearles un año de salud, paz, felicidades, amor, alegría y todo lo mejor que les servirá para seguir adelante y afrontar a cualquier futuros obstáculos que están por venir.

Mis queridos amigos, solo quiero deciros que estaré aquí para vosotros cuando os sentáis agotados y vencidos. No sé si podré ser de un gran apoyo, pero sé que desde ahora ya me toca a mí reciprocrar, devolviéndoos los apoyos que he recibido porque, indudablemente, los merecéis.

Feliz Año Nuevo 2009.

An Incident on MSN

Unbelievable, it's been almost three months since I last updated this poor little blog of mine. Well, actually I spent all the time thinking about tons of subjects to write (and whine) about but never (as always!?) really got my ass up to start putting them down in letters. And so I ended up jotting down my ideas in separate pieces of memo which I left here and there and, surely, they would unretrievably disappear.

Enough for this little whining part. Let's get to the point then. Nothing can inspire me more than a subject on "love" and "relationship" just as it has done to many songwriters, playwrights, painters, photographers, artists, adults, adolescents or even amateur bloggers like me.

I've had quite a hard day today. I just got back an hour ago and immediately got connected to the cyberspace. The first gateway to my internet is MSN. As many people (or you?) may do, I possess two accounts, the official one and the other that serves more "playful" purposes (hmmm). These two represent the two extreme side of my characters; namely the shiny white one that I can always show proudly to the public (including you, of course!) and the other darker, more sinister and mysterious one, restrictively presented to a selected group of people (including you?) , with my physical self, being colored grey, in the middle. For this, the internet really works wonders on both the definition and creation of my identity at the same time.

From the "white" side, I can see people expressing their ideas, wishes and needs, mostly in line with the social norms and traditions, while I can as well do the same. On the contrary, the "darker" side allows me to see what I can hardly perceive in my physical world, what really lies deep down inside people's mind, things that are convicted and tagged as "open secrets". Topics involved are totally different or even unimaginable in some cases. However, I notice one common ground of these two shades; loneliness.

No matter what people on my lists seek, at some point I see that they are accompanied by some kind of loneliness that makes them long for a cure. Some rant about today's political situations, economic problems, star gossips and end up putting a verse of love song on their name. Others are constantly seeking ways to calm down their lust and desire but end up with messages that express their loneliness next to their names. Some always and only show their interests in sexual matters but somehow end up extending the scope of their conversations and asking for a chance to get to know more about other persons on the other side of the screen.

Today I logged on to both accounts and surprisingly found these kind of messages exceedingly noticeable. The other day a guy added me and asked if I would like to talk about a relationship with him or anything that might finally lead to it. A few days earlier, I had talked to five or six persons who brought me the same topic. Recalling this, I started to wonder why these people never meet each other. They all share the same goal but have never been fortunate enough to come across one another while those who are lucky to get to know them, like me, are never looking to end his/her loneliness yet. And I found this cruelly sad.

I have been living with my own style of loneliness since I don't know when but I believe I can cope up with it very well. However, what I have seen today defies my confidence and strikes and shakes the wall that I have created to protect my fragile core.

Now I'm not so sure that I'm as strong as I thought I was. I'm uncertain whether I can continue living on with my loneliness. I don't know if I'm still the one who can look at these lonely people and feel sorry for them... or actually I'm just one of them?

Buy me that Bottega Veneta, and I’ll love you the rest of my life.

Lately my fashion consciousness has been effectively suppressed for my wallet’s sake but now I can feel it struggling inside me day and night and preparing to wreak another havoc on my ledger.

Speaking of my wallet, no matter how much I really adore the one I currently own (it was a birthday present from my Patto), I can’t avoid the fact that it will soon complete its life cycle and head straight to the nirvana.

My black Albédo with a note clip has served me well during this past four years. On the contrary, I haven’t cared for him (or her? Should my wallet be a girl? I don’t think so.) as much as I should have done and it has worn out so quickly than expected. That isn’t the excuse for its dismissal though. Functionally speaking, it can (and will) last many more years.

But what can I say? I just happened to come across a softer, sleeker and less masculine (Yep! LESS masculine!) Bottega Veneta with its signature interciatto style. It was the love at first sight (that might probably end in a tragedy). If I stand the urge to possess it, I will end up thinking about it till the rest of my days (or until the next model appears) and if I decide to go for it, I will end up with a big red balance this month. Either way, it’s a bitter-sweet conclusion.

Gosh, I wish I could switch off this freaking obsession like a computer machine. Why is a fashion item so beautifully crafted so out of reach in a financial term? Damn that marketing strategies, brand management and so on, or is it just MY problem? Arrrrrggggh…

But wait! I think I’ve got solutions!

Instead of pointlessly venting my rant here, I should start getting my next project done, get my paycheque and go straight to the shop!!!

Or…

You can buy me THAT Bottega Veneta and I’ll feed you with my love for the rest of my life ;-)

La nostalgia

-La nostalgia, dice Roland, es una enfermedad. Se agarra a las paredes del corazón y apelmaza la sangre y las ideas. Se puede combatir de muchas maneras, pero la más eficaz es regresando a casa.-

El último libro de Sergi Pàmies

25

Now that I have fully lived a quarter of a century, does this mean anything to me? On one hand, it's just one more year that has gone by, with uncountable chapters of different genres of my life. But on the other, and symbollically, is it time yet for me to start thinking about what will be coming and what I wish to happen in the next quarter?

I have -inevitably- grown up. We all grow up every year, if not day. But since 25 is something like a small milestone that marks the path you are taking, reminding you of how far you have come and how many more miles you may need to get to where you want to be, I feel obliged to do some serious, but not stressful, (re)thinking.

Every morning on my way to the office, if not reading, I like to let my thought fly from here to there just to kill time. From shoes style of those who sit in front of me in the metro to the ever-changing digits of my mutual fund accounts or the imagined lives of the sufferers of Franquismo, I let it fly away to search for whatever that seems to catch the attention of my conciousness, no matter how small the subjects are. Morning is the best moment to do such mental activity as your mind is fully awake and desperately in need of some exercise.

However, this evening in particular, as the most inappropriate timing, cramped in a bus on the way home, I felt that my thought happened to find its way to one of the darkest corner hidden somewhere inside my brain and shouted "Hey! I know 25 is nothing for you, but don't you really wanna do something 'different' just to celebrate such insignificant arrival of age?". I replied "Well, then, what should I do?". Silence.

It seemed like it had simply left, just like a passerby, but only after having dropped a time bomb inside my head. The bomb was ticking. I was thinking. Something different, the arrival of age and its insignificance. What do they have in common? Probably they all share a common ground of my past; my youth and my childhood to be more specific. For years, I have experienced the joy of having very limited responsibilities, wishing to get older only to be more powerful and able to make my own decision while ignoring the possible consequences that might come with it. 25 is a long time for a person to fully enjoy such thing, though some are never satisfied with it and always want some more - until the day they turn 50, look back and find nothing but an empty path. Do I want to, when I wake up one day, be like that? Definitely not. If I allow myself one more day of those privileges, I will do it everyday until forever. Probably that was what "the thought" warned me about.

There are changes that can easily be made in a blink of an eye, but also those that need some time, huge motivation and tremendous efforts to bend their shape. We're all bound to face both, but some are not quite prepared or when they are, it might be a bit too late.

I got off the bus with all these messy thoughts dancing noisily inside my head, challenging me to put them into order and start analysing them one by one. This can be classified as the second type of change. And that leads me to why I am here, (re)thinking, contemplating and writing, trying my best to lay the foundation of what I want to build in the coming years so that when approaching the next milestone I can look back, smile and be proud.

¿Dónde están mis musas?

Sólo faltan dos meses antes de que cumpla un año de estancia en Bangkok. Diez meses no son nada comparados con los años que pasé aquí antes de partir para España, pero aun así no sé por qué todavía no descubro el sosiego que he anticipado desde el momento que pisé esta tierra.

Parece que mi vida en este metropolitano tailandés empieza ya a coger el ritmo caótico del Oriente. Tanto trabajo, tantas ansias y tanto estrés. Cada vez tenemos menos tiempo para divertirnos, en sentido positivo y constructivo, tal como ir de viaje a algún sitio lejano y tranquilo sólo para permitirnos el lujo de "reflexionar" sobre los rollos que nunca nos hemos molestado a prestarles atención.

Sin haberme tomado ninguna oportunidad de buscar un retiro que fatalmente necesito, siento que mi alma cada vez se ve mas contaminada por las fuerzas negativas provocadas por esta ciudad, sea la contaminación, el calor, el tráfico, la suciedad o las calles laberínticas tan concurridas y bloqueadas por chiringuitos y tiendecitas de baratijas.

Un día de estos, temprano de la mañana, me levantaré para unir con el corriente humano que fluye en el metro hacia su destino y en el camino me pararé a pensar ... ¿por qué estoy aquí y qué estoy haciendo y qué es lo que realmente quiero?

Claro que serán preguntas filosóficas que ni siquiera los grandes filósofos consiguieron las respuestas perfectas. Serán cosas que, para alguien, resultarán absurdas y les harán perder el tiempo. Sin embargo, para mí, serán las pequeñas luces en el mar de oscuridad en el que estoy perdido. Serán las luces que siempre tenía hace unos años antes de que desaparecieron en el corriente de competencia y sobrevivencia.

Algún día, espero, me volverán a mí a iluminar de nuevo aquellas inspiraciones que una vez tantas poseía, o mejor dicho, me acompañaban. Mis musas. La primera me vino a visitar cuando estaba en Madrid y la percibí en forma del dolor intenso provocado por el apendicitis. Parecía algo infernal y me enseñaba a tener miedo de la muerte y consecuentemente apreciar la belleza de la vida y todo lo que junto con ella venía. Desde entonces siempre se queda conmigo y que luego comenzaba a llamar a otras para que me inspiraran. Fueron los momentos de reflexiones en los que nunca me faltaba ningún recurso para seguir luchando por "algo" que hacía que la vida valiera la pena.

Pero en esta ciudad, todas de repente se desvanecieron, dejándome en la soledad sin ganas de expresar ni crear. Quizás necesite una escapada a algún lugar tranquilo o un viaje de regreso a Madrid para recargarme otra vez de las fuerzas que me ayudarán a luchar ... porque allí es la cuna de mis musas.

Beagle Sushi, yummy?

I'm a beagle deliciously named Sushi. I first came to this house on January 27th, blurred, disoriented and starving.

I happened to hear (not eavesdrop, mind you!) that "They" just wanted to take a look at my cuttie face and hadn't decided to "adopt" me yet. But after 15 minutes or so, I successfully cast my charming spell upon them, just by waging, biting and strolling around and being cute!

That was how I finally got into this messy house that seemed, for my beaglean taste, too untidy. But at least here I had got a gentle dotty Dalmatian uncle who always spared his time to play with me.

At first, I DID try to be nice and less stubborn (or even foolhardy) but I had to think twice when I knew what name "they" finally decided to give me.

I was soooooooooo excited, as a Thai-born western Beagle, to be called "Quillo" which means "A little boy" in Spanish. That sounded very chic and so aristocrat and would definitely set me apart from those mundane Beagles of other social levels. As a complimentary spectacle for my so-called owners, I danced around and tried to be nice for a couple of days until... One fine day, some of "them" came back from what they called "movie" and blessed me with this "Sushi" name.

Spanish name suddenly, without notice (and my consent), became Japanese! So that was when I officially got to be a (miserably) Thai-born western Beagle with a Japanese name. On the bright side, at least I still sound international. Should I complain?

So, one full month has passed and here I am, running, biting, eating, pooing, making a wee wee, having siestas, disobeying, growing and still kicking arse. Almost everything seems nice here and I'm starting to like "them", bit by bit though. If my ignorant memory doesn't fail me... I think one of them, who always come to play with me every evening around 7 o'clock and try very hard to express his affection on me, is called Mod.

The Signs

Sometimes the endless choices that stand before you, that lessen your instict by imposing on you the fear to make any decision that may affect the course of your future, can be overwhelming and consequently lead you to choose the worst path; doing nothing, standing still and being afraid to go for it.

When such moment comes, when our insticts are blurred by the intimidation of uncertainty that lies within the choices to be made, we desperately seek solutions, hints or clues that may help us get out of the maze. They may come in the form of anything, be it books, articles, advices from friends, mottos, quotes, philosophy or even yourself.

However, some say that such solutions don't come when you need them most. Sometimes, they never do. That's probably the time you have to look around you in search of the signs.

As Paolo Coelho says in his masterpiece "The Alchemist", God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you. I personally never believe in God, needless to say the signs. Nevertheless, my recent experience has taught me to take a good look at things at difficult time from a different angle and become more observant of the circumstances and things around me. They may reveal themselves and lead you to the end of the dark tunnel that seems endless. I learnt to search for the signs that support the decision I determined right and was about to make. When I found them, I went for it.

I was so afraid whether to take the offer in a medium-sized company that mainly dealt with Spanish clients although the position might perfectly fit me. It wasn't the establishment that was the problem but actually it was me. I was intimidated by my own ego and afraid that if I accepted the offer, I would soon abandon it to look for something "greater" for which I thought I was worth, as I had done in the past. Then again, I began to look around and noticed that some small details concerning the post did fit my lifestyle and needs. At once I knew they were "the signs", no matter how small they might be. From there I got to know I really wanted that opportunity and started to thread for the bigger ones which would finally inspire me to reach for the star. I knew that the "bigger signs" might or might not exist but the inspiration I got from the "smaller ones" had already propelled me to look for them at any cost and I finally found them. That was when I felt comfortable, either with myself or the circumstances, to make the decision and compromise myself at a long run and, of course, with no more clouds of uncertainty.

The great job I got wasn't the most precious treasure I had found. It was the experience itself. I finally see the existence of what I previously considered inexistent and have learned how to look at the positive side of small things that may inspire you for something greater.

When you're at a dead-end, it's probably time to start looking for the signs.

It's (Not) Hard to Say Goodbye

Finally another end of year has come. One more goodbye, just to meet another new year that is to come. It seems like any other transitional phase of the past years, except that I can feel "the change" in me as well. I don't have to wait until my next birthday to feel more mature, grown-up and insightful. It's this eventful year that has taught me to look beyond the surface of seperation within which lies something worth learning.

Since the first months I said goodbye to what seemed like the perfect professional opportunity for everybody else, imaginatively consolating myself with the promising probabilities that were still unknown.

Then one by one I waved good-bye to those beloved and trusted friends. The feeling, painstakingly unforgettable as it was, doubled in intensity when the time to look for the last time at the city I had been living in for almost three full years finally arrived.

Even before I could make it to Bangkok in hope of personally caring for one of my best pet dog, Toon, she had faught and lost the battle to the ravages of old age and lamentably breathed her last breath, nine days ahead of my arrival. Another tearful yet unreal goodbye.

As I thought that things would smooth down and get back to their own track, all of a sudden I unbelievably found myself in an emotional isolation, caused by my own arrogance and demanding standard. Sadly enough, I didn't realise that the day I walked away marked the parting of our ways forever.

Just as everything promising around me seemed heading down the drain and I readied myself for the next possible seperation from something I dearly held on to, nothing came but December. The last of the twelve months that marked the end of this beautifully nostalgic year and the goodbye of goodbyes.

Before looking forwards at what was awaiting in the future path, I decided to take a very close look at what I had found in those seperations. Plenty of things were there, waiting to be discovered and reflected at all time. It was just a question of perspective, whether I only chose to see the downsides of them or also the hidden treasures within. Now that I found some of them, I learned from it. I absorbed it...and I grew up.

So, just let me say my last goodbye to all separations I have suffered and embrace the upcoming challenges of the New Year!

2008...here I go!!!

Chronicles of Mod : Kho Khao - Nature Untouched

Phuket itself, as one of the world's most well-known destinations, stamped me with no impression I had previously expected before this trip. However, I found a consolation prize at Kho Khao, an undisturbed islet that lies just beside the province of Phang-Nga.

If you are looking for somewhere to recharge your battery while leaving all the burdens behind, including your brain, this is the perfect place.

Expect nothing but a simple non-stop rest in the (few) resorts of your choice and enjoy the delightful feast from the sea.

There aren't many fully developped touristic spots on the island but, for a long stay, you can manage to find some interesting activities to do such as fishing, mangrove forest sightseeing or taking a look at the ruins of an ancient city. For those who want to be a bit more active, snorkeling and scuba diving at the nearby (?) archipelago of Surin or Similan is also feasible.

For me, I think the island is already endowed with a characteristic charm. Its hardly touched nature, the biggest highlight. Well, it's a perfect hideaway with almost everything within reach (very near Phang-Nga and just a couple of hours from Phuket). The inland forests are being slowly invaded, cut down and exploited. So if you want to see how an unexploited island look like, without having to go a distance, try this alternative.

Sand in my Shoes

Two weeks away it feels like the whole world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time
 
I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on the plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunset
And take my time
Take up our time 

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes to change and turn me around, I've fallen
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see again 

I wanna see you again
I wanna see you again

Te dedico esta canción a una parte de ti que aún está en Bali ;) Espero que hayas disfrutado el viaje y nos veamos pronto.

Love you heaps.

Dumbledore is GAY!

That was one of the best news ever in this entire year!

The fact was confirmed by JK Rowling herself in a promotional tour for her latest book of the megahit sagas Harry Potter.  Though it was just a fictional character, I felt great to know that she had planned to assign the attribute to such an important character.  Some gay activists said that it should have been more explicit, but come on, it was a children story and should it be THAT explicit?

All I care about is the fact that JK have tried hard to include every element in our world to enrich the perfection of the wizarding community, including homosexuality.  That movement was something.

Personally, the thought has never come across my mind at all.  It was, for me, a total surprise, probably because I wasn't the biggest fan of Harry Potter series.  This doesn't make her the best author of children books, but it has moved her up the rank to one of those prominent novelists in my list who try to project the reality of this world into their own world of fantasy, giving us the opportunity to learn and understand the complex reality from the simpler fiction.

I am still not a die-hard fan of hers, but at least she is now in one of my favourite and, more importantly, respected writers.

Out of the Closet

Recently I hardly have had any inspirations to jot down interesting events that happened to me.  Perhaps here in Bangkok my personal Muse can't perform her task very well since the surrounding is not very encouraging.  However, now alone in the middle of the night, with the cool german popjazz music as a backtrack, my inspiration has somehow find its way back home again.  And that leaves me to why I'm going to write about one of the most memorable, though not quite impressive, moment of my life.  It happened just a month ago; I extemporaneously told my parents that I was gay.

It was a spur-of-the-moment revelation of which I'm not going into detail.  Let's just say that my dad and I mounted quite a scene in the early morning one day.  He was illogical, irrational and stubborn while I was being furiously emotional.  There were lots of tension.  My mom was there too but she tried to blend into the surrounding while, of course, perceiving the approaching menace of my words.  Though passive she might seem, she was the one who reacted first when the truth was revealed with tears.  I blurted out that I was gay.  My dad collapsed into a chair, saying nothing.  She was the first one who accepted me as I was and my dad was the second to win the race.

I admit that originally it was intended to hurt their feelings.  Nevertheless, their reaction came out unexpected and that made me felt afterward tremendously guilty.  But I think until now I can live it down by making amend while they are also doing the same.

What really struck me was that I didn't feel any sudden relief as I had expected.  It was true that the lifetime burden was finally lifted but I wasn't immediately relieved by that fact.  Unlike the dramas I had seen, it was more a gradual process of adapting myself to another phase of reality in which we all have to take part.

As far as I know, that day marked the turning point of my perspective towards my family.  When I say family, I refer to all of us in our house.  I love my parents all the way more.  And I felt that I truly belonged to my family and wanted the best for them.  All these thoughts were unclear before that.

Despite the result that wasn't what I expected, I don't regret my action of that day.  Damages were somehow done but it was just a step further to reach a more united little family of mine.  

I took the bet and the dice turned out in my favour.  Apart from the basic characteristics of my conventional and weird family, my luck also helped me in this revelation.  I'm not saying that doing the same 
thing as I did will lead those still in the closet to a happy ending.  
But at least just try it.  We are just a little human 
being who can't bear the weight of this burden for all our life.

Take the courage to get rid of it and face the consequence.  Whatever the result will be, you are one step further than before.  And that's a good news, isn't it?

I'm Here Again.

I don't know why people are always looking for the other half of their souls, to be complete again as destined, while some others are just not giving enough care to what they already have and sometimes even throw it away.

We are never satisfied with what we have. Alone, some desperately seek the one who can hopefully make them whole again, others just spend time lamenting about their poor fate and drown themselves in the self-pitying sea. Sadly there are some who have been lucky enough to find their right matches but not savvy enough to keep them. I find myself one of them.

I might be the luckiest person in the world when met my boyfriend and later on the stupidest person ever to have walked away from him in such a childish manner. But up until now, I never regret.

Nor will I ever beg for an apology.

If we were really such a perfect match as I thought we were, I wouldn't have been ignored for such a long time. Things are not the way they were anymore. We didn't "talk". The mysterious connection we had in the first year that worked magic, turning the world into the brightest place exists no more.

Some may take me for a high-maintenance kind of person. They are right. I'm ready to sacrifice anything to keep our love blossom as it should. But to face such defying challenge, I need to be fueled; with kind words, phone calls, hugs, kisses or whatever that shows that I'm still cared for somehow. And without that driving force, I reached the limit and got tired, exhausted...drained.

That was enough. No more justifications. All I have to say is that I'm here again, at the starting point, as I was before 4 years ago; alone, empty and trying to fulfill my soul with my true other half who may or may not exist out there.

Quizás No Valgan La Pena...

Anteayer literalmente me marché de mi novio, por un mero hecho de estar molesto, sin ninguna despedida. Hasta ahora no he visto nada de su número en mi móvil.

A veces me reacciono de manera tan infantil que ni siquiera yo mismo me lo puedo creer. Recientemente este fenómeno se ha convertido en algo bastante raro en mi costumbre. Sin embargo, de vez en cuando no puedo dominar el capricho emocional tan bien que me salga por mis acciones considerablemente estúpidas.

Ningún tío que conozco en mi vida se marcha así como así cuando se ve molesto. Pero yo sí. Porque soy yo. Y siempre lo hacía.

No quiero buscar ninguna explicación lógica para justificar lo que hice. Era puramente emocional, provocado por la ignorancia y negligencia acumulada días tras días. No me gusta ser descartado. No quiero que me hagan caso omiso, especialmente MI novio. Me lo hicieron y sufría. Y ahora la Historia se está repitiendo otra vez. La diferencia es que esta vez me armaré con más ánimo y esperanza. Ya no jugaré más. Basta el apuesto. Bastante he perdido y no quiero perder más, ni tiempo ni nada.

Los 3 años han sido lo que sacrifiqué y puse adelante como el apuesto, pensando ganar al final, que quizás valgara la pena esperar y volver a encontrar. Todo no se derrumbe enseguida sino se corrosiona, poco a poco, carcomiendome la poco esperanza que me queda.

Si así es, será la lección más cara de mi vida. De hecho, ya lo es. He aprendido y crecido con esta ilusión amorosa, buscando el final feliz que nunca encontraré...con él.

No sé si cuando hablemos se solucionarán los problemas. No sé qué piensa de mí. No sé si se ha desvanecido la pasión. Desconozco la impresión que tiene sobre mí. Desconozco su vida sin mí. Y descozco si me reconoce cuando me vea en el sueño... jamás.

Sólo sé que quizás no valgan la pena los años que llevamos separados para volver a vernos y ... separarnos.

FW: Send This or Be a Moron

Since I have been a tad less than busy lately, I can finally waste my time in laying my eyes upon tons of forwarded emails unchecked for months and I have just discovered some interesting aspects about this phenomenon.

Some people are really ADDICTED to recieving, reading and resending these accursed series of emails. Beyond the point of enjoying the activity, they are horribly obsessed with what's in it and take it seriously. I mean they truly believe it! The promised miracles or good luck and that sort of things. I try not to be judgemental but sometimes I just can't help feeling irritated. Well, let's say...what's the point? You have passed on these messages for thousandth time and have you ever found any 4-leaf clover in your garden? No is the answer and you keep forwarding them in tiny hope of finding one someday. I'd rather investing in additional land and fertilizer to grow more clovers....well, that gives better chance than keeping your duty as an email forwarder.

More tragically, some good-hearted cybersurfers are misled by the so called one-address-per-one-cent donation. Honey, it's the second millennium, who on this capitalist earth is going to make a donation based on the untraceable, if not unprovable, text-only message like that? If you really want to be an amateur do-gooder, please spend few minutes to check the source's website whether such project really exists.

Another classic hoax similar to the case above is, for example, that a ginormous email provider of all time will start charging their users, either on per month or per year basis, very soon unless the notice is fowarded to more than XXXXXX users. Darling, they don't even have your credit card number. And even if it was true, though the biggest provider they may be, there would always be the rivals who are ready to take advantage on the situation by offering the similar or even better service for free!

This article isn't intended as an aggression to anyone in particular. I just need some space to holler my anxiety. On the other hand, a few potentially interesting emails have made their way into my inbox and, in this case, I consider myself lucky to be one of the readers. To all my friends, I still encourage you guys to keep sending constructive chain emails but perhaps less for me. I'm just full.

¿Qué Será de Nosotros?

Hoy cumplo un mes en Bangkok y, viendo atrás, todo es notablemente diferente que el día de mi llegada. Como todos los repatriados, intento de adaptarme de nuevo a la realidad, a la que, en mi caso, nunca he estado acostumbrado. Los esfuerzos han sido empeñados. Voy tejiendo poco a poco mis redes que me permitirán el aceso a la gente del círculo de mi especialidad. Me conformo con este éxito, salvo una cosa; lo que será de mi y mi novio.

Ha pasado un mes y sólo nos hemos visto 4 veces sin mucha oportunidad de hablar tanto. Estar ocupado siempre ha sido la razón que me ofrece. Obviamente, se ve que está realmente ocupado, pues, por su beca de Ph.D., que obtuvo hace casi un año. Le espera una serie de examenes, entrevistas y ensayos en el futuro muy cercano y, para poder salir con todo lo que siempre desea, tiene que esforzar más que nunca, poniendo todo en juego, incluso la estabilidad de nuestra relación.

No pienso en dejarlo ni cortar el rollo ni enfrentarme con él, y esto es mi problema. Seguiremos así sin mencionar el amenazante futuro de nuestra relación, quiza por el miedo de perder lo que tanto tiempo he intentado preservar.

Siempre nos dicen que 3 años a distancia no es un reto cualquiera y, pasado esta prueba, ya deberemos esforzarnos más que nunca por el bien de esta preciosa relación. Bueno, ¿qué opción tengo yo? Hay que seguir adelante, fuese como fuese, exactamente como dice un refrán tailandés "Una vez montado a tigre, hay que seguir allí hasta el final".

Hasta que no llegue el dicho final de nuestro drama, mucho ánimo de parte de todos de mis amigos necesitaré.

Desperately Unemployed

Twelve days are gone since I came back home for the first time in almost three years and things haven't changed much, not yet. Some say that two weeks of doing nothing are fine and I shouldn't complain too much, given that there are people who spend months, if not weeks, as job hunters without finding one.

However, I can't help feeling annoyed for being so helpless and, at times, useless. If you are looking for a demanding, or even picky, type of person when it comes to job seeking, here I am; available 24/7 and... for free!

Returning to the old lifestyle resulted shocking enough, but somehow I managed to survive the first critical week (a bit depressed though). Now I find myself in a second phase of adaptation; looking for means of survival.

Bangkok, similar to any other capitals, isn't the place where you (or me, in this case) can live happily ever after if there's no stability in your professional life. Everything costs you quite an amount of money. It seems that during my absence the inflation rate has increased considerably. Bangkok isn't a cheap place to enjoy like I thought it once was anymore.

I need LIFE. I need to do something and live my life the way the urban bourgeoisie does. I want to hang out with friends after work, drinking and gossiping about our bosses or whatever that might slip into our mind. There's so much I'm desperately wanting to do, about which I can keep on ranting to make a list of three-metre long to show the world how energetic and self-motivated I am.

All this digression might just be a result of me being jobless for too long, according to my standard, of course, or me being too worried about my future. Whatever it is, I know that I can't stay like this anymore.

Perhaps it's high time I went out (again!?) to find something to do, even if that means I'll have to kick somebody's arse to takeover his/her position. It's a world of survival anyway. ;-)

Te Dejo Madrid

Al final ha llegado el momento. La hora de despedida a todos mis mejores amigos. Aunque es muy problable que nos crucemos otra vez en algún punto de nuestro camino, la despedida nunca ha sido la cosa que se me da bien.

Simplemente quiero recordar a mis mejores amigos, a los que he tenido suerte de conocer y con los que he podido pasar buenos y malos momentos, que os quiero mucho y siempre me acordaré de vosotros.

Aunque, esta vez sí, me toca dejar Madrid para seguir adelante, pero me llevaré lo mejor que mi estancia me ha ofrecido, la amistad.

Mil besos,
Mod

Mirar Hacia Atrás

La primera memoria que tuve sobre España era la tierra rojiza y árida que se extendía infinitivamente hacia el horizonte. Estaba volando en algún punto entre Valencia y Madrid y me dije "¿Este es España? No parece Europa. No hay muchos árboles verdes. Mmmm, no es nada como esperaba".

Al aterrizar el avión, a través de la ventanilla, veía cómo los edificios de ladrillos naranja me daba la bienvenida y me dije "Hasta los edificios tiene el mismo color que la tierra. ¿Sobreviviré aquí?"

Las primeras comidas en el colegio Africa me daban miedo. No conocía a nadie, menos a un tailandés que estaba a punto de irse. No se me daba muy bien socializar con la gente. No me atrevía a saludar a otros becarios, también recién llegados.

La primera persona a la que me presenté en el comedor era Dixie, una filipina muy maja. Y con ella, iba conociendo a más gente, tanto interesante como no, hasta a todos los que habitaban el colegio.

En las primeras semanas, sentado en el escritorio, observaba el calendario anual que había dibujado en mi libreta pensando "¿Qué estaría haciendo en mayo 2005?", "¿En 2006 mi español alcanzaría al nivel que aspiro?", "¿Qué tipo de clases tendré en ese cuatrimestre?" y "¿En qué pensaría el último día de mi estancia en España?".

Las primeras clases me hacían sentir como si fuera otra vez un niño pequeño. Sentía el mismo miedo de lo que podría pasar en la clase, de las posibles preguntas que me harían los profesores, de los compañeros de clase que no me hacían caso. Me pregunté "¿Cómo seríamos nosotros cuando termináramos este curso?" y me contesté "Muy diferentes que ahora llegaríamos a ser. Siempre es así."

Al pasar el tiempo, conocía la ciudad cada vez mejor y me sentía cada vez más a gusto. Fue como si me hubiera aceptado con todo su corazón. No me di cuenta desde cuando me había enamorado de Madrid. No fue un flechazo, sino un amor que tardaba en llegar. Mejor así.

Dicen que el tiempo pasa volando y es verdad. Siempre aguardaba mi futuro regreso a mi tierra, mirando hacia adelante, hacia lo que sería de mí al pasar el tiempo, hacia lo que me esperaba y... de repente aquí estoy... mirando hacia atrás, con toda la nostalgía, que es feliz y triste a la vez.