Recently I hardly have had any inspirations to jot down interesting events that happened to me. Perhaps here in Bangkok my personal Muse can't perform her task very well since the surrounding is not very encouraging. However, now alone in the middle of the night, with the cool german popjazz music as a backtrack, my inspiration has somehow find its way back home again. And that leaves me to why I'm going to write about one of the most memorable, though not quite impressive, moment of my life. It happened just a month ago; I extemporaneously told my parents that I was gay.
It was a spur-of-the-moment revelation of which I'm not going into detail. Let's just say that my dad and I mounted quite a scene in the early morning one day. He was illogical, irrational and stubborn while I was being furiously emotional. There were lots of tension. My mom was there too but she tried to blend into the surrounding while, of course, perceiving the approaching menace of my words. Though passive she might seem, she was the one who reacted first when the truth was revealed with tears. I blurted out that I was gay. My dad collapsed into a chair, saying nothing. She was the first one who accepted me as I was and my dad was the second to win the race.
I admit that originally it was intended to hurt their feelings. Nevertheless, their reaction came out unexpected and that made me felt afterward tremendously guilty. But I think until now I can live it down by making amend while they are also doing the same.
What really struck me was that I didn't feel any sudden relief as I had expected. It was true that the lifetime burden was finally lifted but I wasn't immediately relieved by that fact. Unlike the dramas I had seen, it was more a gradual process of adapting myself to another phase of reality in which we all have to take part.
As far as I know, that day marked the turning point of my perspective towards my family. When I say family, I refer to all of us in our house. I love my parents all the way more. And I felt that I truly belonged to my family and wanted the best for them. All these thoughts were unclear before that.
Despite the result that wasn't what I expected, I don't regret my action of that day. Damages were somehow done but it was just a step further to reach a more united little family of mine.
I took the bet and the dice turned out in my favour. Apart from the basic characteristics of my conventional and weird family, my luck also helped me in this revelation. I'm not saying that doing the same
thing as I did will lead those still in the closet to a happy ending.
But at least just try it. We are just a little human
being who can't bear the weight of this burden for all our life.
It was a spur-of-the-moment revelation of which I'm not going into detail. Let's just say that my dad and I mounted quite a scene in the early morning one day. He was illogical, irrational and stubborn while I was being furiously emotional. There were lots of tension. My mom was there too but she tried to blend into the surrounding while, of course, perceiving the approaching menace of my words. Though passive she might seem, she was the one who reacted first when the truth was revealed with tears. I blurted out that I was gay. My dad collapsed into a chair, saying nothing. She was the first one who accepted me as I was and my dad was the second to win the race.
I admit that originally it was intended to hurt their feelings. Nevertheless, their reaction came out unexpected and that made me felt afterward tremendously guilty. But I think until now I can live it down by making amend while they are also doing the same.
What really struck me was that I didn't feel any sudden relief as I had expected. It was true that the lifetime burden was finally lifted but I wasn't immediately relieved by that fact. Unlike the dramas I had seen, it was more a gradual process of adapting myself to another phase of reality in which we all have to take part.
As far as I know, that day marked the turning point of my perspective towards my family. When I say family, I refer to all of us in our house. I love my parents all the way more. And I felt that I truly belonged to my family and wanted the best for them. All these thoughts were unclear before that.
Despite the result that wasn't what I expected, I don't regret my action of that day. Damages were somehow done but it was just a step further to reach a more united little family of mine.
I took the bet and the dice turned out in my favour. Apart from the basic characteristics of my conventional and weird family, my luck also helped me in this revelation. I'm not saying that doing the same
thing as I did will lead those still in the closet to a happy ending.
But at least just try it. We are just a little human
being who can't bear the weight of this burden for all our life.
Take the courage to get rid of it and face the consequence. Whatever the result will be, you are one step further than before. And that's a good news, isn't it?
2 comments:
i am so proud of what you did. things will eventually go back to its normal pace once the dust have settled down.
just keep on living your life according to your terms. because in the end you will be responsible to your own actions.
i love you as always.
Mod, I would also like to say I am proud of you, but not only of what you did, but how you (and your parents) dealt with it. I personally find that post-adolescence (if you allow me to believe that I am still in that phase...) much harder than adolescence itself. On the one hand, we are now in a stage where we actually have to live our own lives, make our own decisions and bear their consequences, and still we are somewhat dependent on our parents, or at least, having always been the "good guys" do not want to hurt their feelings. I feel that it is now, in our mid-twenties, when we really are struggling for our independence. The decisions we are taking are not always in line with what our parents have in mind for our lives, they will hurt them and, of course, it hurts (a lot, sometimes) to hurt their feelings... But, as you say, the important thing is that situations like the one you describe helps them and us accept that we now actually are adult human beings, and that this experience, eventually, might make us feel even closer as a family, like them and us discovering each other anew, as the real persons we are. This is a real challange, but it the end a very enriching experience.
Love, Trixi
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