What makes me smile...

What is making me smile right now are simply chilling and peaceful atmosphere in my partly-lit bedroom, Pink Martini's lighthearted songs and a little cozy working station corner that effortlessly make up a perfect combination of my own personal world. Oh, and there's also one more thing that makes me unable to stop smiling; the fact that I am going to start blogging again.

Just a few days ago, I received a notification from Blogspot letting me know that someone had left a message in one of my columns and so I, for the first time in many months, logged in to check it out. There was a note from an anonymous acquaintance (or a friend?) of mine encouraging me to keep on writing again. That was actually not the first nudge to reality that I have received, a similar form of encouragement was passed to me months (or years?) ago and, although I acknowledged it, I unfortunately never had much chance to continue.

This message led me to another starting point. In the metro, I started reading my own blogs initially written years ago and suddenly found myself unable to stop smiling. Damn, if it is not to say that I am a funny writer, I'd dare say that I so damn like what I have written!

All the past events came back to me like an unstopple flow of water that, blocked for so long, had finally managed to find its way to seep through those tiny cracks of memory and came fetching me these nostalgic sense of longing. I couldn't help noticing that this blog has actually grown up with me and has inevitably become one of the evidences of truths about my life, past, present and future.

Then something caught my attention. The blog was hardly attended to during 2009 and 2010 and then almost completely forgotten from then on until now. The last few columns I wrote about were all about those promises to keep on writing - not for anyone else but just for myself and the sake of this little kid called "A Glimpse of the World" to whom I had given a life by filling him with all my stories and thoughts. As much as I would have wanted to, circumstances were different and getting more difficult each day that I somehow lost my spirit on the way while trying my best to catch up with the frenetic daily working life.

Stresses took over and works replaced what I used to enjoy when I was younger. Fear of failure substituted the passion for success. Pressure mounted, I crumbled on the inside and this child was forgotten.

When I read these blogs again the other day, I remembered those feelings I had when writing them. I remembered how I could be completely absorbed into my own little world and enjoyed putting all my thoughts in words to let the world know what I liked, what I wanted and what I did. I remembered how precious these moments were when I would shut my door, lie down on my cozy bed and let my thoughts wonder aimlessly to find those tiny seeds of ideas which I could make into something greater, something worth mentioning and something thought-provoking or even something funny.

I miss those rewarding feelings. It's been a year or so that I haven't enjoyed this privilege that nothing else would be able to replace. Turning my eyes once again on this little page left alone to feed on nothing but the past stories that I have given him, I know that my spirit was not lost. It was just left here, together with the evidences of my life, waiting to be recovered once more so that we both can grown together, continue the journey and enjoy what we do best.

Now I just can't stop smiling again...

Love sucks when there is no trust.

I have had a pretty rough love life since the beginning of this year and I thought that all of this would come to an end when I accidentally met Pol, a cute slim tanned Thai guy of pretty much the same age.

As almost every couple, we had a great "promotion" period in our first phase of romance but here came the moment of disillusion when the perfect guy seem to be not so perfect at all. The only exception in my case is that this was revealed just a little bit too early than I would have wanted.

Suddenly I found myself in a situation in which I had to answer to every tiny bit of his interrogation on my daily routines which also include my workout at the gym, my hanging out with friends or colleagues or even my weekly swimming practice.

I am OK with answering doubtful questions with truth. However, I am so not OK with answer all of them every day as if this was supposed to be one of my daily obligation. Actually answering any excessive amount of questions is so not endearing and finally it wears you out.

Things turned out that when I decided to let out my feeling, I was seen as someone who tried to shield himself by reflecting these interrogative arrows elsewhere so he could avoid revealing the unspeakable truth (which, of course, is always "speakable"). I wish I could express my feeling verbally better than in writing so that he could grasp the idea I tried to convey and learned to trust me once and for all.

Sometimes I just can't get the idea of how people can always say that they are deeply in love with one another while, in practice, they just keep their eyes on every move the other part makes.

Can we just stop destabilising the foundation of love and start building trust by putting more faith on our loved ones?

Present

Okay, I promised you the one last chapter about my Egyptian Odyssey four months ago! Obviously I'm that sort of guys who keep their word seriously, heheh. Sorry for that! Well, before putting an end to the unforgettable experience in the Promised Land, I'd love to share a tiny bit of time to mention about my 26th birthday.

Now I have officially reached the first milestone of what I call "Life as a serious adult". Lots of things to think and worry about; the unseen future that is to come, the unretrievable past that was fully lived and the challenging present that never stops flowing.

I have just realized that I am a conventional, traditional, under-control kind of devoting white collars. My financial and career plans keep bouncing in my head non-stop lately. So much so that sometimes it crossed my mind that I couldn't let go. Why so? I really don't know.

Probably spending too much time in the professional rat race has magically teleported me into this egocentric world I used to hate. I was so focused on my goals that once I slipped or erred a bit, I became overstressed, which affected my physically and socially as well.

A day before my birthday I had an unexpected lunch with a bunch of old friends which sadfully reminded me of how far off I was from their circle. I could hardly catch up on what they were talking and had to put myself up-to-date immediately. Then it occured to me that I had rarely gone with friends and they just started to get too bored to ask me out.

That will be different from now. As a birthday present to myself, I will reward me with a little less time in the rat race and spend more of it hanging out. That's what life is all about after all; enjoy it while you can, but moderately, of course.

This year I have got nice birthday presents and chocolate cakes from my beloved family, friends and colleagues. I appreciated the friendship that an ex-enemy of mine in the office sincerely offered me. That was a good sign. At least, I learned to let go some aspects of the pessimism I used to firmly grab hold of.

Another excellent present I got arrived in the form of an email. It was not a message that wished me the best nor the colourful e-card. It was just a plan three-lined message:-

happy birthday
sorry for everything
Sender

An apology is one of the greatest blessing you can ever receive on your birthday. Especially if it comes from someone who you appreciate, no matter how badly hurt you are.

That wasn't my first reaction at first. Actually, it was the contrary; I was furious. I was enraged of receiving a message that reminded me of the painful past. But one of my best friends, Now, enlightened me with such an insightful perspective; why don't you take it as a good sign for your birthday? It's a heart-warming feeling to realize that to him/her you mean something, that he/she cares for your feeling and wants to apologize.

So, another birthday present to myself is learn to let go. I haven't successfully done it but I promise that I will try my best and that some day in the future I will forget and forgive.

All I need now is time because, the will, I have just got it already.

An Incident on MSN

Unbelievable, it's been almost three months since I last updated this poor little blog of mine. Well, actually I spent all the time thinking about tons of subjects to write (and whine) about but never (as always!?) really got my ass up to start putting them down in letters. And so I ended up jotting down my ideas in separate pieces of memo which I left here and there and, surely, they would unretrievably disappear.

Enough for this little whining part. Let's get to the point then. Nothing can inspire me more than a subject on "love" and "relationship" just as it has done to many songwriters, playwrights, painters, photographers, artists, adults, adolescents or even amateur bloggers like me.

I've had quite a hard day today. I just got back an hour ago and immediately got connected to the cyberspace. The first gateway to my internet is MSN. As many people (or you?) may do, I possess two accounts, the official one and the other that serves more "playful" purposes (hmmm). These two represent the two extreme side of my characters; namely the shiny white one that I can always show proudly to the public (including you, of course!) and the other darker, more sinister and mysterious one, restrictively presented to a selected group of people (including you?) , with my physical self, being colored grey, in the middle. For this, the internet really works wonders on both the definition and creation of my identity at the same time.

From the "white" side, I can see people expressing their ideas, wishes and needs, mostly in line with the social norms and traditions, while I can as well do the same. On the contrary, the "darker" side allows me to see what I can hardly perceive in my physical world, what really lies deep down inside people's mind, things that are convicted and tagged as "open secrets". Topics involved are totally different or even unimaginable in some cases. However, I notice one common ground of these two shades; loneliness.

No matter what people on my lists seek, at some point I see that they are accompanied by some kind of loneliness that makes them long for a cure. Some rant about today's political situations, economic problems, star gossips and end up putting a verse of love song on their name. Others are constantly seeking ways to calm down their lust and desire but end up with messages that express their loneliness next to their names. Some always and only show their interests in sexual matters but somehow end up extending the scope of their conversations and asking for a chance to get to know more about other persons on the other side of the screen.

Today I logged on to both accounts and surprisingly found these kind of messages exceedingly noticeable. The other day a guy added me and asked if I would like to talk about a relationship with him or anything that might finally lead to it. A few days earlier, I had talked to five or six persons who brought me the same topic. Recalling this, I started to wonder why these people never meet each other. They all share the same goal but have never been fortunate enough to come across one another while those who are lucky to get to know them, like me, are never looking to end his/her loneliness yet. And I found this cruelly sad.

I have been living with my own style of loneliness since I don't know when but I believe I can cope up with it very well. However, what I have seen today defies my confidence and strikes and shakes the wall that I have created to protect my fragile core.

Now I'm not so sure that I'm as strong as I thought I was. I'm uncertain whether I can continue living on with my loneliness. I don't know if I'm still the one who can look at these lonely people and feel sorry for them... or actually I'm just one of them?

La nostalgia

-La nostalgia, dice Roland, es una enfermedad. Se agarra a las paredes del corazón y apelmaza la sangre y las ideas. Se puede combatir de muchas maneras, pero la más eficaz es regresando a casa.-

El último libro de Sergi Pàmies

¿Dónde están mis musas?

Sólo faltan dos meses antes de que cumpla un año de estancia en Bangkok. Diez meses no son nada comparados con los años que pasé aquí antes de partir para España, pero aun así no sé por qué todavía no descubro el sosiego que he anticipado desde el momento que pisé esta tierra.

Parece que mi vida en este metropolitano tailandés empieza ya a coger el ritmo caótico del Oriente. Tanto trabajo, tantas ansias y tanto estrés. Cada vez tenemos menos tiempo para divertirnos, en sentido positivo y constructivo, tal como ir de viaje a algún sitio lejano y tranquilo sólo para permitirnos el lujo de "reflexionar" sobre los rollos que nunca nos hemos molestado a prestarles atención.

Sin haberme tomado ninguna oportunidad de buscar un retiro que fatalmente necesito, siento que mi alma cada vez se ve mas contaminada por las fuerzas negativas provocadas por esta ciudad, sea la contaminación, el calor, el tráfico, la suciedad o las calles laberínticas tan concurridas y bloqueadas por chiringuitos y tiendecitas de baratijas.

Un día de estos, temprano de la mañana, me levantaré para unir con el corriente humano que fluye en el metro hacia su destino y en el camino me pararé a pensar ... ¿por qué estoy aquí y qué estoy haciendo y qué es lo que realmente quiero?

Claro que serán preguntas filosóficas que ni siquiera los grandes filósofos consiguieron las respuestas perfectas. Serán cosas que, para alguien, resultarán absurdas y les harán perder el tiempo. Sin embargo, para mí, serán las pequeñas luces en el mar de oscuridad en el que estoy perdido. Serán las luces que siempre tenía hace unos años antes de que desaparecieron en el corriente de competencia y sobrevivencia.

Algún día, espero, me volverán a mí a iluminar de nuevo aquellas inspiraciones que una vez tantas poseía, o mejor dicho, me acompañaban. Mis musas. La primera me vino a visitar cuando estaba en Madrid y la percibí en forma del dolor intenso provocado por el apendicitis. Parecía algo infernal y me enseñaba a tener miedo de la muerte y consecuentemente apreciar la belleza de la vida y todo lo que junto con ella venía. Desde entonces siempre se queda conmigo y que luego comenzaba a llamar a otras para que me inspiraran. Fueron los momentos de reflexiones en los que nunca me faltaba ningún recurso para seguir luchando por "algo" que hacía que la vida valiera la pena.

Pero en esta ciudad, todas de repente se desvanecieron, dejándome en la soledad sin ganas de expresar ni crear. Quizás necesite una escapada a algún lugar tranquilo o un viaje de regreso a Madrid para recargarme otra vez de las fuerzas que me ayudarán a luchar ... porque allí es la cuna de mis musas.

Sand in my Shoes

Two weeks away it feels like the whole world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time
 
I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on the plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunset
And take my time
Take up our time 

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes to change and turn me around, I've fallen
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see again 

I wanna see you again
I wanna see you again

Te dedico esta canción a una parte de ti que aún está en Bali ;) Espero que hayas disfrutado el viaje y nos veamos pronto.

Love you heaps.

I'm Here Again.

I don't know why people are always looking for the other half of their souls, to be complete again as destined, while some others are just not giving enough care to what they already have and sometimes even throw it away.

We are never satisfied with what we have. Alone, some desperately seek the one who can hopefully make them whole again, others just spend time lamenting about their poor fate and drown themselves in the self-pitying sea. Sadly there are some who have been lucky enough to find their right matches but not savvy enough to keep them. I find myself one of them.

I might be the luckiest person in the world when met my boyfriend and later on the stupidest person ever to have walked away from him in such a childish manner. But up until now, I never regret.

Nor will I ever beg for an apology.

If we were really such a perfect match as I thought we were, I wouldn't have been ignored for such a long time. Things are not the way they were anymore. We didn't "talk". The mysterious connection we had in the first year that worked magic, turning the world into the brightest place exists no more.

Some may take me for a high-maintenance kind of person. They are right. I'm ready to sacrifice anything to keep our love blossom as it should. But to face such defying challenge, I need to be fueled; with kind words, phone calls, hugs, kisses or whatever that shows that I'm still cared for somehow. And without that driving force, I reached the limit and got tired, exhausted...drained.

That was enough. No more justifications. All I have to say is that I'm here again, at the starting point, as I was before 4 years ago; alone, empty and trying to fulfill my soul with my true other half who may or may not exist out there.

Quizás No Valgan La Pena...

Anteayer literalmente me marché de mi novio, por un mero hecho de estar molesto, sin ninguna despedida. Hasta ahora no he visto nada de su número en mi móvil.

A veces me reacciono de manera tan infantil que ni siquiera yo mismo me lo puedo creer. Recientemente este fenómeno se ha convertido en algo bastante raro en mi costumbre. Sin embargo, de vez en cuando no puedo dominar el capricho emocional tan bien que me salga por mis acciones considerablemente estúpidas.

Ningún tío que conozco en mi vida se marcha así como así cuando se ve molesto. Pero yo sí. Porque soy yo. Y siempre lo hacía.

No quiero buscar ninguna explicación lógica para justificar lo que hice. Era puramente emocional, provocado por la ignorancia y negligencia acumulada días tras días. No me gusta ser descartado. No quiero que me hagan caso omiso, especialmente MI novio. Me lo hicieron y sufría. Y ahora la Historia se está repitiendo otra vez. La diferencia es que esta vez me armaré con más ánimo y esperanza. Ya no jugaré más. Basta el apuesto. Bastante he perdido y no quiero perder más, ni tiempo ni nada.

Los 3 años han sido lo que sacrifiqué y puse adelante como el apuesto, pensando ganar al final, que quizás valgara la pena esperar y volver a encontrar. Todo no se derrumbe enseguida sino se corrosiona, poco a poco, carcomiendome la poco esperanza que me queda.

Si así es, será la lección más cara de mi vida. De hecho, ya lo es. He aprendido y crecido con esta ilusión amorosa, buscando el final feliz que nunca encontraré...con él.

No sé si cuando hablemos se solucionarán los problemas. No sé qué piensa de mí. No sé si se ha desvanecido la pasión. Desconozco la impresión que tiene sobre mí. Desconozco su vida sin mí. Y descozco si me reconoce cuando me vea en el sueño... jamás.

Sólo sé que quizás no valgan la pena los años que llevamos separados para volver a vernos y ... separarnos.

¿Qué Será de Nosotros?

Hoy cumplo un mes en Bangkok y, viendo atrás, todo es notablemente diferente que el día de mi llegada. Como todos los repatriados, intento de adaptarme de nuevo a la realidad, a la que, en mi caso, nunca he estado acostumbrado. Los esfuerzos han sido empeñados. Voy tejiendo poco a poco mis redes que me permitirán el aceso a la gente del círculo de mi especialidad. Me conformo con este éxito, salvo una cosa; lo que será de mi y mi novio.

Ha pasado un mes y sólo nos hemos visto 4 veces sin mucha oportunidad de hablar tanto. Estar ocupado siempre ha sido la razón que me ofrece. Obviamente, se ve que está realmente ocupado, pues, por su beca de Ph.D., que obtuvo hace casi un año. Le espera una serie de examenes, entrevistas y ensayos en el futuro muy cercano y, para poder salir con todo lo que siempre desea, tiene que esforzar más que nunca, poniendo todo en juego, incluso la estabilidad de nuestra relación.

No pienso en dejarlo ni cortar el rollo ni enfrentarme con él, y esto es mi problema. Seguiremos así sin mencionar el amenazante futuro de nuestra relación, quiza por el miedo de perder lo que tanto tiempo he intentado preservar.

Siempre nos dicen que 3 años a distancia no es un reto cualquiera y, pasado esta prueba, ya deberemos esforzarnos más que nunca por el bien de esta preciosa relación. Bueno, ¿qué opción tengo yo? Hay que seguir adelante, fuese como fuese, exactamente como dice un refrán tailandés "Una vez montado a tigre, hay que seguir allí hasta el final".

Hasta que no llegue el dicho final de nuestro drama, mucho ánimo de parte de todos de mis amigos necesitaré.

Chronicles of Mod : Dreaming of You

Last night I dreamt about you. It has been such a long time since I last saw you in my slumber. You were there waiting to pick me up at the arrival gate but somehow didn’t speak a word to me. I saw you saying good-bye to someone I didn’t know and whom you didn’t even bother to introduce to me. There was something between you two that had me disconcerted but, as always, I dared not ask. Fear grew inside me; things would never be the same between us, or at least that was what I thought it would turn out to be.

16:00, May 5th, 2007
Stavanger, Norway

Lift Me Up

It isn't easy

being so in love with you
and not being able to see you

every day. There are times

When I'd give anything

just to be able

to gaze into your eyes

or hold you in my arms,

even for a few minutes.
I always feel incomplete,

like a part of me is missing,

when we're not together.

I know that, right now,

this is how things have to be,

but that doesn't make it

any easier to bear.

Everyday without you

just reminds me of the joy

you add to my life,

joy that I'm missing...a lot.

So don't forget that I love you,

that I'm thinking of you,

and that I'm counting

every minute

until we're together again.

-Linda Lee Elrod-

Thanks to my Patto for your cards, poems and letters.

Like raindrops and dews that keep trees and flowers lush and alive, they lift me up and help me go on in this lonely city life.

Love you always.

Good Moments

One of the best, yet simple, things I love to do is lounge around in Mama Inés Café, calle Hortaleza, while chatting with my friends, especially Takeshi, which helps me forget all the burdens and occasional loneliness in my heart and lifts my spirit up.

A couple of weeks ago, Takeshi, Shin (a hunk japanese teacher with very nice personality) and I met at Chueca, the nightlife centre of Madrid, to spend a gayly night together in some cafes around there. Shin always stood out because of his physical appearance :) While Takeshi and I would ocasionally shine if chances allowed. And since we shared various characteristics in common, sometimes I even wondered if the Europeans could really tell one from another.

From Diurno Café to a Chinese restaurant in Fuencarral, we ended the night in the sanctuary of all gay men in Madrid, Mama Inés. We talked and simultaneously enjoyed men-watching as usual. The topics ranged from interesting anecdotes in our daily life to the success of asian twinks over Spanish men.

That night a couple of sissy gay men, a madrileño and a parisien, decided to join us. They were so passionate about Asian cultures, especially Japanese one. So the conversation went on, all about Japan. Questions about Thailand were at times asked, so I wouldn't feel left out. Observing Takeshi's reaction, I realised it took him some efforts to continue the conversation since the topics, on his part, weren't of his interests.

We continued our endless analysis on Spanish guys and other trivia, like a gay episode of Sex and the City or a milder version of Queer as Folk, in that dark cosy café until midnight. I was specially in good mood, mixed with a bit of longing for the past.

The Xmas illuminations on the streets, the hapiness, smiles and warm feeling from people around me were conspicuously perceptible, which made me think of my gay friends in Bangkok, of the time we spent chatting restlessly at nights, of my conversations with my Filipino friend Evans in "Africa" and, more than anything, of my boyfriend Pat whom I hadn't seen for years. It was a mix of emotions; optimistic, positive, yet sadly nostalgic.

Maybe I had spent too much time away from Bangkok and my Pat. Madrid, good as it was, couldn't always hold all my solitude accumulated during the past two years. Maybe it was time to return to my roots, even temporarily.