Reorganized!

OK, let me sum it up this way; I have just got a BIG wake up call and realized that I am desperately in need of getting control (again) over every aspect of my life. Some, even most, things are uncontrollable but at least I do hope to be able to have my well-thought plans laid out properly instead of keeping out blindfolded and pray.

My digital absence from this blog was a part of what my life has been about. It was all about time, schedules, duties, tasks, jobs, arrangements, just as everyone else has to busy him/herself with. However, I just notice that apart from the lack of time to spend on the blog to express my thoughts and emotions, it also, more dangerously, reflects my lack of inspirations.

When I first started the blog, my aim was to sharpen my language skills and the like. Then it became some kinds of hobbies and an occasional place of refuge and personal expression from the dynamic world of reality. It seemed like the blog grew up with me and then, suddenly, one day it just stopped when the reality gradually seeped into my own private world. Family, friends, love life, social life, materialism, capitalism, professionalism and so on took priorities in my life and somehow kicked asides my once-intense dreams of old days.

I kept saying that I would do this and that some day or when it was time to do so. I knew that the day wouldn't come easily if I kept on like this but I ignored the fact and continued lying to myself while feeling, as if carefree, deeply disturbed.

It was like, as Thai saying goes, a ball of mud accumulated on the little tail of a pig which grew bigger and bigger until it is too big a problem for the little pig to get it off himself. He wouldn't be able to do it nor anyone else would and he would have to live with the burden during the rest of his life unless he gets the courage to one day find any solutions to get rid of it for the sake of his well being.

I was that little pig but a little more fortunate. I got that BIG wake up call today.

Call it a reality check or whatever terms you may coin, but it is still one of the most important things in my life that really put me back in the right track.

Now that I have chosen to continue along the path I deem adequate in order to get to the goals I have just set, the rest is about how to get there, which will not be easy at all. There will be bumps on the roads or even some moments I want to give up, but at least when I have time to look back, I believe all this written courage would still bring me some smiles and remind me of what I am doing, what I want to do and where I want to get to and, most importantly, continue my efforts as initially planned.

I do hope to count on your support, in whatever forms in might be.

Wish me success!

Belated Repentance

Our relationship reached the point of no return when we decided to go to the cinema on a Sunday's late afternoon.

We were in a hurry, hoping to get there in time, but a car appeared from the other side of the road, taking a u-turn, and my car came to stop before crashing into it. I missed it only by an inch.

I got angry and made gestures to the driver and he in turn, with his passengers, did the same. When I headed off, he decided to came rushing after me, advancing his speed to my left and suddenly changed the lane into mine.

I got furious and did the same. This time, when already in front of his car, I slowed down quite abruptly, waiting for the impact, which never occured.

He got outrageous and did the same. Now we are both running down the tunnel under a monument and he came into my front and pulled over. Luckily, with such incredible speed, I stopped the car right before it would crash.

We pulled over, emotions boiling. After a few seconds, I decided to go on, leaving the damn car behind.

I never heed the warning that Pol was pouring out at that critical moment.

Now it was his turn to get furious. When we arrived the cinema, he got out of the car without a word. The only communication I got afterwards was an SMS; If you don't care for your life, you should care for the others.

I never replied, called nor sent any message to say "I am sorry", for one week. Not because I did not regret what I had done but I needed time to think it over. I didn't want my apology to be just a mere word of "sorry" without deeper, more sincere meaning. If I had to say it, I had to really be "sorry". Sorry for my actions and consequences thay may have followed. I knew that at the moment, any insights, blocked by boiling emotions and prejudice over myself, would not come to me. That was why I preferred to do some serious thinking about me, my actions and the consequences.

Why did I did what I did? Why was I losing control? Didn't I care for the one I loved who was sitting next to me? ... and the most heart-aching question of alls ... What if something out of expectation had happened?

After days of pondering, I was so sure that I really regretted my reckless actions, which should never have taken place to begin with and might have caused tremendously more damage than one could ever imagine, either to me or the adversary. It was a foolhardy decision, full of rage and selfishness; the wish to satisfy one's own inner anger while putting the others' lives at stake.

This couldn't be undone. All I could ever do was took a courage to call and say "I am sorry" and explaning the absence of my communication after the incident. I knew it was all my fault and I regretted it but he said it was too late.

All I needed to explain was already explained to him. It was not in my power to have a final say on the fate of our relationship because, I think, the culprit did not have the right to choose but only to explain the motives of his actions and whether he had repented or not. He, on the other hand, was entitled to the right to making the choices that needed to be made.

So, now, I only sit back, feeling agitated, and be ready for any judgment thay may come.

Love sucks when there is no trust.

I have had a pretty rough love life since the beginning of this year and I thought that all of this would come to an end when I accidentally met Pol, a cute slim tanned Thai guy of pretty much the same age.

As almost every couple, we had a great "promotion" period in our first phase of romance but here came the moment of disillusion when the perfect guy seem to be not so perfect at all. The only exception in my case is that this was revealed just a little bit too early than I would have wanted.

Suddenly I found myself in a situation in which I had to answer to every tiny bit of his interrogation on my daily routines which also include my workout at the gym, my hanging out with friends or colleagues or even my weekly swimming practice.

I am OK with answering doubtful questions with truth. However, I am so not OK with answer all of them every day as if this was supposed to be one of my daily obligation. Actually answering any excessive amount of questions is so not endearing and finally it wears you out.

Things turned out that when I decided to let out my feeling, I was seen as someone who tried to shield himself by reflecting these interrogative arrows elsewhere so he could avoid revealing the unspeakable truth (which, of course, is always "speakable"). I wish I could express my feeling verbally better than in writing so that he could grasp the idea I tried to convey and learned to trust me once and for all.

Sometimes I just can't get the idea of how people can always say that they are deeply in love with one another while, in practice, they just keep their eyes on every move the other part makes.

Can we just stop destabilising the foundation of love and start building trust by putting more faith on our loved ones?

Present

Okay, I promised you the one last chapter about my Egyptian Odyssey four months ago! Obviously I'm that sort of guys who keep their word seriously, heheh. Sorry for that! Well, before putting an end to the unforgettable experience in the Promised Land, I'd love to share a tiny bit of time to mention about my 26th birthday.

Now I have officially reached the first milestone of what I call "Life as a serious adult". Lots of things to think and worry about; the unseen future that is to come, the unretrievable past that was fully lived and the challenging present that never stops flowing.

I have just realized that I am a conventional, traditional, under-control kind of devoting white collars. My financial and career plans keep bouncing in my head non-stop lately. So much so that sometimes it crossed my mind that I couldn't let go. Why so? I really don't know.

Probably spending too much time in the professional rat race has magically teleported me into this egocentric world I used to hate. I was so focused on my goals that once I slipped or erred a bit, I became overstressed, which affected my physically and socially as well.

A day before my birthday I had an unexpected lunch with a bunch of old friends which sadfully reminded me of how far off I was from their circle. I could hardly catch up on what they were talking and had to put myself up-to-date immediately. Then it occured to me that I had rarely gone with friends and they just started to get too bored to ask me out.

That will be different from now. As a birthday present to myself, I will reward me with a little less time in the rat race and spend more of it hanging out. That's what life is all about after all; enjoy it while you can, but moderately, of course.

This year I have got nice birthday presents and chocolate cakes from my beloved family, friends and colleagues. I appreciated the friendship that an ex-enemy of mine in the office sincerely offered me. That was a good sign. At least, I learned to let go some aspects of the pessimism I used to firmly grab hold of.

Another excellent present I got arrived in the form of an email. It was not a message that wished me the best nor the colourful e-card. It was just a plan three-lined message:-

happy birthday
sorry for everything
Sender

An apology is one of the greatest blessing you can ever receive on your birthday. Especially if it comes from someone who you appreciate, no matter how badly hurt you are.

That wasn't my first reaction at first. Actually, it was the contrary; I was furious. I was enraged of receiving a message that reminded me of the painful past. But one of my best friends, Now, enlightened me with such an insightful perspective; why don't you take it as a good sign for your birthday? It's a heart-warming feeling to realize that to him/her you mean something, that he/she cares for your feeling and wants to apologize.

So, another birthday present to myself is learn to let go. I haven't successfully done it but I promise that I will try my best and that some day in the future I will forget and forgive.

All I need now is time because, the will, I have just got it already.

Chronicles of Mod: My Truths about Egypt (5)

9. How many deaths caused by car accidents are there each year?

The way they turn ordinary trips by car into cranky heart-stopping rollercoaster rides and, even more unbelievably, the fact that pedestrians DARE to cross these streets of madness (successfully!) stimulate my curiosity gland to pour out questions like "Why, during my whole stay, have I never seen any accidental injuries or deaths?!?!?". Did I miss something?

10. Thailand is still unknown!

It's a heartbreaking fact but let's face it, my fellow countrymen. No matter how hard we promote our heavenly islands full of fine white sandy beaches where breezy afternoon endlessly casts a sedating charm on those who seek peaceful hideaways from the outside world, we hardly succeed in giving knowledge of our existance to the world! (Yep! not only Egyptians nor Spaniards!)

Most conversations (80%) went like this:

Local: Hello, my friends, where are you from?
Guest: Thailand. (*Let it be known that it was clearly pronounced).
Local: Japan? Oh! I love Japan!
Guest: No! Thailand!
Local: Ah!!! Taiwan. Nii Hao!
Guest (Fuming): THAILAND.
Local: Ah!!! Thailand...Do you want to buy some souvenirs???

11. Though still in winter, the late-morning sun was blazingly hot and burnt my skin more than in Bangkok. So, be prepared!

12. I didn't see any Egyptian sparrows though.

I wonder where they could be? Will Egypt be one of those few countries where sparrows hardly survive? Not likely, I think. Pigeons, on the other hand, are everywhere, competing in numbers with flies.

13. My haggling skill was reduced down to zero here.

I'm sure my mom would have done way better and would have saved me more than 40% of what I had spent (Sigh...)

14. I had friends everywhere.

You too can have "local friends" practically everywhere in Egypt (especially in commercial areas).

Some of my favourite quotes are the following:

- "Since you are my friend, I will give you a special price."
- "You are a very good friend, you will get cheap price."
- "Hello my friend! Souvenirs/boat ride/hotel/taxi?"

_________________________________________

All of these are the most impressive aspects I found out about this charming ancient country. Actually there are more tales to tell but I prefer to save them for later occasions :)

I hope my anecdotes haven't bored you and be of some use to you should you decide to hop on board to Egypt. My feeling expressed here may seem like I'm annoyed by these aspects, but let it be VERY clear that I cherish this unforgettable experience in this lovely, colourful and, most importantly, different country. So, no matter how much I talk about pros and cons of this place, Egypt will still be one of my greatest favourite destination of all time.

Next chapter I will tell you about my fortunate encounter with some interesting persons.

Chronicles of Mod: My Truths about Egypt (4)

4. Most Egyptian men are not my type.

No offense! Egyptian men in general have big bone structure, tanned skin, prominent facial traits and very masculine look. They have literally everthing I could ask for (really!) but, well, I just didn't feel any magnetic pull (except some few muscular teenage dudes, heheh).

5. Egyptian men in dark/black suit are sooo attractive.

Now you know what I am actually into. I dedicate two full points describing Egyptian men! Well, the title is already self-explanatory. This point popped up in my mind when I was people-watching at Midan Tahrir and fell in love so many countless times with well-groomed businessmen passing by.

6. Fashion in Egypt is monotonously sombre.

Egypt is understandably a conservative country in which appropriate attires, in accordance with the religion, are to be expected most of the time. Some tiny slips from traditional fashion style might cause undesirable results (e.g. stares, critical glances from public). So to play it safely, I assume, most people avoid conflicting the mishap on themselves by follow the long practised trend; white, black and grey. There are exception amongst the fashion-conscious new generation though.

This is only my assumption based on what I observed in the city and public transportation. It is possible that there are other plausible reasons for this.

7. If you are lost, try asking those who look as alien as you are for directions.

You will soon find a way to get to your desired destination. Well, tourists roaming the streets of Cairo are supposed to have, at minimum, 50% of their survival instinct active, up and running. That's why you can assume that they, at least, know as much as or, very possibly, more than you do. If they don't, they can still give you some other irrelevant hints and clues (Sorry I don't know where it is BUT don't miss the belly-dancing show at blah blah blah 'cuz I've been there and it was awesome!)

Asking locals sometimes risks getting 1) strange, doubtful stares 2) scared smiles 3) incomprehensible explanation in inglees 4) WRONG direction 5) RIGHT explanation but WRONG direction 5) misleading information by which you will end up in a souvenir shop 6) RIGHT explanation and direction that rarely come with baksheesh (tip) 7) RIGHT everything if you are lucky enough.

8. Flies are all over the place.

There were visually less pestering flies in Egypt than in Thailand but I don't know why they were far more persistent and bothersome. Once these creatures locked you as a target, they will keep haunting you endlessly. They are far from being a tourist nightmare but still truly annoying.

Chronicles of Mod: My Truths about Egypt (3)

Giza Train Station, Cairo
March 15, 2009 (Sunday)
Early evening


I'm leaving Cairo this evening for Luxor on an overpriced (and overrated) sleeping train (but I've got a seat ticket!).

Two full days spent in this hectic Egyptian capital are never enough to get to know even a tiny bit of it, let alone to describe all of its unbelievable but sadly true characteristics. I'll just comment some of my biggest impressions here in a nutshell (For something similar, see Chronicles of Mod: Eleven Truth I Found out about Norway).

1. Cairo traffic system and driving etiquettes are irrepairably dreadful.

Everything that finds itself in the streets of Cairo automatically falls into the endlessly frenzied traffic circus. Compared to this city, crossing streets in Bangkok is blissfully easier. Most Bangkokians are natural at crossing streets thanks to our innate instinct, but right here in this country, our skills are no use since the real professional road-crossers are the Egyptians!

Horn-honking is inevitable when driving. Drivers don't have to justify their cause, they feel free to do so when ... they feel like to! I suppose this is also something innate, everytime I took a careful look at drivers, I saw one of their hands readily placed at the horn, ready to press at all time. Red Alert! The result? They all ended up distributing their share of noises in the already deafening streets from ... ehhh ... dawn till midnight.

If you are looking for some real, exciting urban adventure, go to Cairo and ... cross the streets!

2. Foreign tourists are rarely seen on the streets as opposed to other so-called touristic countries.

I spent half an hour today sitting at Midan Tahrir (Square) observing all the rush-hour street craziness and, surprisingly, found only a small number of European-looking tourists passing by. The rest was Egyptian locals walking or running here and there, living their normal lives and doing their normal routines (BTW, the moment was magical, the city centre seemed so alive and cheerful, I LOVE that).

As a Thai-Chinese, I consider myself superficially unfit in this social context in terms of physical appearance. So I ignored all the Lonely-Planet-type advices of trying not to be obvious as a tourist. Some say not to wear/use things that may scream "tourist!" such as camera or other gadgets. I, on the contrary, had my Nikon D90 around my neck 70 % of the time. The result? I was (unproudly) in the limelight all the time amongst local people who were staring at me constantly. I could eventually turn the initial uneasiness boiling inside into a blissful ignorance and went on. It was a bit harder than in Spain. But at least here you don't have to worry much about being mugged though, it's practically safe even if everybody knows you are a tourist (correct me if I am mistaken).

3. Look out for touts!

In touristic areas where hygiene, technology and modern facilities are within near reach, there still roams a plague of annoying and persistent touts who try to sell you every thing from toothpicks to warships (well, this idiom is literally translated from what we frequently say in Thai).

They will all approach you as friendly conversation starters and end up trying to lure you to a souvenir shop, hotel or restaurant. My firt impression was that ... wow! I was spoiled and pampered! I loved that! But then ... after getting into such conversation for the 6th time, I started to see the light and, well, I couldn't deny that I was fed up, if not to say HATE.

On the bright side, only few rarely got angry or agressive when rejected. Most of them took my negative responses very well and let me go (but had I ever be back around there again, they would repeat the same lines like a video tape!).

Not that all locals do that for financial purpose. I met a kind young girl in her teenage in a bus to downtown on my first day. I was evidently alien to the place and couldn't stop fidgeting and poking my head around. The girl, disturbed by my unneccessary uneasiness, asked me where my destination was and if she could be of any help (it turned out that she had to got out before me and, obviously, couldn't show me where exactly is my stop). She DID have that look of a concerned person wanting to lend a hand on someone in need, I was truly impressed.

I was also (VERY) frequently approached by small kids (practically EVERYWHERE, hehe). They all did the same thing; first looking at me, then attempting to come by while pretending to do something else irrelevant, and if our eyes met, which is most of the time, they would, with brightest smiles ever, ask "What's your name?", "Where are you from?", "Are you Chinese/Japanese?", "How old are you?", "I speak English!", "My name is ... and you?", etc.

At Saladin Citadel, I was asked by a small boy to spell "Enormous", "Comfortable" and some other words for him. He said it was part of his homework. Lucky him that he bumped into me for the task since English pronunciation is always one of my greatest forte ever (heheh). I do hope that he got 10 out of 10 for that homework.

I initially believed that, apart from curiosity or eagerness to learn English, those kids were probably told by their parents to do so in order to practice and make use of it in their future career as touts as they grow up (Yep, call me a pesimist and I won't deny it). However, I was introduced a different point of view (The kid just did it out of pure curiosity) when, very fortunately, I had a chance to have a very long and culturally interesting chat with an intellectual Egyptian university student late in my trip.

Chronicles of Mod: My Truths about Egypt (2)

Upon sunrise, my flight touched the ground. Amongst the whispering relief of worried passengers, I took my few belongings and got out of the plane, only to find out that it was surprisingly...COLD! The only light jacket I brought with me was in the luggage so I had to make do with what I currently wore; a thin blue T-shirt suitable for humind summer in Bangkok.

The cold weather was just, as I found out later, a surprising consequence of my ignorance and lack of information and, to make matter worse, it was nothing when compared to a series of surprises waiting for me as I stepped out of the airport till the end of my trip.

From bargaining, buying bottled water, avoiding taxi touts, getting on a bus to downtown and finding the hostel I had previously booked, everything required an immense effort and a great sense of survival. I couldn't depend on, of course, the language and even less so on signs (which were few). However, I was fortunate enough to occassionally bump into some kind inglees-speaking locals who were willing to help me.

It took me few hours to adapt myself to the chaotic characteristics of Cairo and, consequently, invoke my old skill of orientation and survival that had been left unused for a long, long, long time since my last solo trips in Europe.

My first travel companions were three japanese tourists, a pair of mother and twenty-something daughter and a cute nerdy-looking guy all of whom I met at the bus port. After asking several locals for the right bus to downtown (all of them gave different answers!), we finally got to the downtown area. The cute guy parted directly to the Egyptian Museum while I headed for my hostel, led by my own instinct and a Lonely Planet in my hand. The poor mother and daughter were left wandering around the place looking for some good, vacant and reasonably-priced hotels (Do they exist in Cairo? I wonder).

After freshing up and fixing myself some breakfast, I got out to explore the area and, to my surprise, I found the japanese mother and daughter again! They were still looking for hotels! That was unbelievable, I thought that all the japanese guidebooks were very informative and, supposedly, should help them get to their much-needed accomodation already. Probably I was too shy or more interested in the city (aka selfish), all I could help them was fending off the hotel tout who was bothering them and suggested that they take a look at my hostel, even though its condition left much to complain about. I didn't know if they followed my suggestion, but I hope they equally enjoyed the day just as I did (now, having said that, I feel less guilty, heheh).

As there are so many interesting (and of course, surprising) features in Egypt, I don't think I can list them all here (and that will surely bore you guys to death). So I decided to put my notes written during my spare time (e.g. waiting for trains, lounging at a terrace at night, etc.) in the next chapters to sum up all my impressions about this country. I do hope you find them interesting and worthwhile just as I do. :-)

Chronicles of Mod: My Truths about Egypt (1)

The beginning of my solo trip to Egypt began some time back last year. After giving it excessive amounts of pondering, reconsideration and hesitation, I finally got the courage to compromise myself to the trip by getting a roundtrip air ticket without having anything planned before hand. Luckily I was then spared almost 5 months to arrange all the necessary, even though by the time I left for the Promised Land, I hardly had time to finish some pending issues that urgently needed my attention. Such has always been the way I manage my trip as a backpacker but it has never failed me even once (Lucky me!).

After coming back from Spain, I never once set foot outside Thailand and, indeed, it was a pure torture. This trip, therefore, didn't only serve me just to unwind my poor work-ridden self from strenuous money-earning routines but, looking at another dimension, it did also took me back to the time when I was (more) energetic and eager to explore the world. That little curious and adventurous inner side of me, who had been growing bigger and bigger since my return to Mother Land, kept telling me it was time to forget, even for a short period of time, all the burdens I was bearing and flee to this very place of my childhood dream...Egypt.

The day of my departure I felt once more alive. With a mix of emotional sensations, I got nervous, stressed, worried, excited, pleased, glad and, most importantly, happy. I was happy to be able to again embark on another adventure. Then I was more so when thinking that the trip was different than any others, it was the trip that I had been yearning for since I was a little kid. Only this fact could made it all the way more exciting than anything. I couldn't help smiling (alone!) as I waited in queue for checking-in, passing the security post or boarding the plane.

Most tourists on the same flight would have ensured you that there was an ever-smiling mentally-challenged-like dude who seemed so pleased with everything around him, even with the flawed-quality services of Egypt Air.

Oficinista's Life Cycle

Today I've undeniably completed the full circle of an oficinista's life.

I woke up at nine, which was late than usual on my standard, and, without even bothering to clean myself, went straight to the sofa and began to watch a chinese epic series in DVD for six hours in a row and fell asleep for four hours and woke up again just to continue my digital fantasy adventure online in Ragnarok for two hours before returning to observe the constant conflicts between epic fighters in the series until...now.

Yep, my day was completely useless and wasteful but I was so glad to be able to do such things that would have been unimaginable for me two years ago.

Probably that was how growing up was all about.

All the work and the efforts that were required had drained me out like never before and, worse, left me with no time to enjoy what I used to. Such was the life cycle of the so-called urban oficinistas that I used to perceive when I was younger and professionally less experienced. I even told myself I wouldn't be doing things like that, never. But these days, I had been longing to just lie down on the sofa and have my brain got as less active as possible.

I am aware that this is unhealthy in the long run should I permit myself more of such routines but ... what a tempting thought! One side of me keeps telling I deserve it while the other one objects that I need to make more effort and find a way to take a more "positive" rest. Today I surrendered to the easiest choice but let's hope that it wouldn't happen again since I can't really cope up with the guilt I felt after having done so.

I have to get out of this cycle, not just to be different but also to feel "alive".

Venting out around here has proved an effectively resolutive approach and hopefully will keep me to go on in full energy for a while.

Until the chance of unwinding myself in the upcoming trip in Egypt comes, I will make more effort to stay "alive"!

Feliz Año Nuevo 2009.

Bueno, bueno, aquí estamos otra vez, al principio del nuevo división temporal que todos denominamos "año". La verdad es que para mí no es differente que cualquier otro día, pero por lo menos, nos sirve como un mojón en nuestra vida para que podamos ver lo lejos que hemos caminado y cuánto más nos falta por alcanzar nuestras metas.

El 2008 me ha dejado una multitud de experiencia inolvidable, que me ha hecho sentir más mayor y mentalmente preparado que nunca.

Me dio las oportunidades de aprender, adaptarme y prestar más tiempo a mis pensamientos y razonamiento. Aprendí a organizar distintos aspectos de mi vida que siempre me exigían mucho más de lo que tenía para ofrecer. Siempre lo había creído imposible, pero al enfrentarme con varias situaciones exigentes e inevitables, logré hacer posible lo imposible. Y, por supuesto, de todo esto, me siento muy orgulloso.

Aparte de lo mencionado, hay un tesoro inestimable que el año pasado me ha regalado. No sé cómo y cuándo sucedió, pero, de repente, cuando crucé el fin del 2008 hacia este año me sentí un gran impulso de compartir todo lo mejor a mi familia y todos mis mejores amigos a los que había tenido suerte de conocer.

No es que nunca había tenido esta impresión antes, pero esta vez es mucho más fuerte que nunca. Al darle muchas vueltas en la cabeza, llegué a la conclusión de que quizá haya sido por los obstáculos difíciles a los que nunca habría podido sobrepasar sin los apoyos de mis seres queridos.

Dejé de pensar intensa y solamente en mi mismo y empecé a mirar, con mucho cariño y amor, hacia mis alrededores, a todos mis acompañantes del camino, tanto los que se encuentran físicamente cerca de mí como los que están al otro lado del mundo, y desearles un año de salud, paz, felicidades, amor, alegría y todo lo mejor que les servirá para seguir adelante y afrontar a cualquier futuros obstáculos que están por venir.

Mis queridos amigos, solo quiero deciros que estaré aquí para vosotros cuando os sentáis agotados y vencidos. No sé si podré ser de un gran apoyo, pero sé que desde ahora ya me toca a mí reciprocrar, devolviéndoos los apoyos que he recibido porque, indudablemente, los merecéis.

Feliz Año Nuevo 2009.

An Incident on MSN

Unbelievable, it's been almost three months since I last updated this poor little blog of mine. Well, actually I spent all the time thinking about tons of subjects to write (and whine) about but never (as always!?) really got my ass up to start putting them down in letters. And so I ended up jotting down my ideas in separate pieces of memo which I left here and there and, surely, they would unretrievably disappear.

Enough for this little whining part. Let's get to the point then. Nothing can inspire me more than a subject on "love" and "relationship" just as it has done to many songwriters, playwrights, painters, photographers, artists, adults, adolescents or even amateur bloggers like me.

I've had quite a hard day today. I just got back an hour ago and immediately got connected to the cyberspace. The first gateway to my internet is MSN. As many people (or you?) may do, I possess two accounts, the official one and the other that serves more "playful" purposes (hmmm). These two represent the two extreme side of my characters; namely the shiny white one that I can always show proudly to the public (including you, of course!) and the other darker, more sinister and mysterious one, restrictively presented to a selected group of people (including you?) , with my physical self, being colored grey, in the middle. For this, the internet really works wonders on both the definition and creation of my identity at the same time.

From the "white" side, I can see people expressing their ideas, wishes and needs, mostly in line with the social norms and traditions, while I can as well do the same. On the contrary, the "darker" side allows me to see what I can hardly perceive in my physical world, what really lies deep down inside people's mind, things that are convicted and tagged as "open secrets". Topics involved are totally different or even unimaginable in some cases. However, I notice one common ground of these two shades; loneliness.

No matter what people on my lists seek, at some point I see that they are accompanied by some kind of loneliness that makes them long for a cure. Some rant about today's political situations, economic problems, star gossips and end up putting a verse of love song on their name. Others are constantly seeking ways to calm down their lust and desire but end up with messages that express their loneliness next to their names. Some always and only show their interests in sexual matters but somehow end up extending the scope of their conversations and asking for a chance to get to know more about other persons on the other side of the screen.

Today I logged on to both accounts and surprisingly found these kind of messages exceedingly noticeable. The other day a guy added me and asked if I would like to talk about a relationship with him or anything that might finally lead to it. A few days earlier, I had talked to five or six persons who brought me the same topic. Recalling this, I started to wonder why these people never meet each other. They all share the same goal but have never been fortunate enough to come across one another while those who are lucky to get to know them, like me, are never looking to end his/her loneliness yet. And I found this cruelly sad.

I have been living with my own style of loneliness since I don't know when but I believe I can cope up with it very well. However, what I have seen today defies my confidence and strikes and shakes the wall that I have created to protect my fragile core.

Now I'm not so sure that I'm as strong as I thought I was. I'm uncertain whether I can continue living on with my loneliness. I don't know if I'm still the one who can look at these lonely people and feel sorry for them... or actually I'm just one of them?

Buy me that Bottega Veneta, and I’ll love you the rest of my life.

Lately my fashion consciousness has been effectively suppressed for my wallet’s sake but now I can feel it struggling inside me day and night and preparing to wreak another havoc on my ledger.

Speaking of my wallet, no matter how much I really adore the one I currently own (it was a birthday present from my Patto), I can’t avoid the fact that it will soon complete its life cycle and head straight to the nirvana.

My black Albédo with a note clip has served me well during this past four years. On the contrary, I haven’t cared for him (or her? Should my wallet be a girl? I don’t think so.) as much as I should have done and it has worn out so quickly than expected. That isn’t the excuse for its dismissal though. Functionally speaking, it can (and will) last many more years.

But what can I say? I just happened to come across a softer, sleeker and less masculine (Yep! LESS masculine!) Bottega Veneta with its signature interciatto style. It was the love at first sight (that might probably end in a tragedy). If I stand the urge to possess it, I will end up thinking about it till the rest of my days (or until the next model appears) and if I decide to go for it, I will end up with a big red balance this month. Either way, it’s a bitter-sweet conclusion.

Gosh, I wish I could switch off this freaking obsession like a computer machine. Why is a fashion item so beautifully crafted so out of reach in a financial term? Damn that marketing strategies, brand management and so on, or is it just MY problem? Arrrrrggggh…

But wait! I think I’ve got solutions!

Instead of pointlessly venting my rant here, I should start getting my next project done, get my paycheque and go straight to the shop!!!

Or…

You can buy me THAT Bottega Veneta and I’ll feed you with my love for the rest of my life ;-)

La nostalgia

-La nostalgia, dice Roland, es una enfermedad. Se agarra a las paredes del corazón y apelmaza la sangre y las ideas. Se puede combatir de muchas maneras, pero la más eficaz es regresando a casa.-

El último libro de Sergi Pàmies

25

Now that I have fully lived a quarter of a century, does this mean anything to me? On one hand, it's just one more year that has gone by, with uncountable chapters of different genres of my life. But on the other, and symbollically, is it time yet for me to start thinking about what will be coming and what I wish to happen in the next quarter?

I have -inevitably- grown up. We all grow up every year, if not day. But since 25 is something like a small milestone that marks the path you are taking, reminding you of how far you have come and how many more miles you may need to get to where you want to be, I feel obliged to do some serious, but not stressful, (re)thinking.

Every morning on my way to the office, if not reading, I like to let my thought fly from here to there just to kill time. From shoes style of those who sit in front of me in the metro to the ever-changing digits of my mutual fund accounts or the imagined lives of the sufferers of Franquismo, I let it fly away to search for whatever that seems to catch the attention of my conciousness, no matter how small the subjects are. Morning is the best moment to do such mental activity as your mind is fully awake and desperately in need of some exercise.

However, this evening in particular, as the most inappropriate timing, cramped in a bus on the way home, I felt that my thought happened to find its way to one of the darkest corner hidden somewhere inside my brain and shouted "Hey! I know 25 is nothing for you, but don't you really wanna do something 'different' just to celebrate such insignificant arrival of age?". I replied "Well, then, what should I do?". Silence.

It seemed like it had simply left, just like a passerby, but only after having dropped a time bomb inside my head. The bomb was ticking. I was thinking. Something different, the arrival of age and its insignificance. What do they have in common? Probably they all share a common ground of my past; my youth and my childhood to be more specific. For years, I have experienced the joy of having very limited responsibilities, wishing to get older only to be more powerful and able to make my own decision while ignoring the possible consequences that might come with it. 25 is a long time for a person to fully enjoy such thing, though some are never satisfied with it and always want some more - until the day they turn 50, look back and find nothing but an empty path. Do I want to, when I wake up one day, be like that? Definitely not. If I allow myself one more day of those privileges, I will do it everyday until forever. Probably that was what "the thought" warned me about.

There are changes that can easily be made in a blink of an eye, but also those that need some time, huge motivation and tremendous efforts to bend their shape. We're all bound to face both, but some are not quite prepared or when they are, it might be a bit too late.

I got off the bus with all these messy thoughts dancing noisily inside my head, challenging me to put them into order and start analysing them one by one. This can be classified as the second type of change. And that leads me to why I am here, (re)thinking, contemplating and writing, trying my best to lay the foundation of what I want to build in the coming years so that when approaching the next milestone I can look back, smile and be proud.

¿Dónde están mis musas?

Sólo faltan dos meses antes de que cumpla un año de estancia en Bangkok. Diez meses no son nada comparados con los años que pasé aquí antes de partir para España, pero aun así no sé por qué todavía no descubro el sosiego que he anticipado desde el momento que pisé esta tierra.

Parece que mi vida en este metropolitano tailandés empieza ya a coger el ritmo caótico del Oriente. Tanto trabajo, tantas ansias y tanto estrés. Cada vez tenemos menos tiempo para divertirnos, en sentido positivo y constructivo, tal como ir de viaje a algún sitio lejano y tranquilo sólo para permitirnos el lujo de "reflexionar" sobre los rollos que nunca nos hemos molestado a prestarles atención.

Sin haberme tomado ninguna oportunidad de buscar un retiro que fatalmente necesito, siento que mi alma cada vez se ve mas contaminada por las fuerzas negativas provocadas por esta ciudad, sea la contaminación, el calor, el tráfico, la suciedad o las calles laberínticas tan concurridas y bloqueadas por chiringuitos y tiendecitas de baratijas.

Un día de estos, temprano de la mañana, me levantaré para unir con el corriente humano que fluye en el metro hacia su destino y en el camino me pararé a pensar ... ¿por qué estoy aquí y qué estoy haciendo y qué es lo que realmente quiero?

Claro que serán preguntas filosóficas que ni siquiera los grandes filósofos consiguieron las respuestas perfectas. Serán cosas que, para alguien, resultarán absurdas y les harán perder el tiempo. Sin embargo, para mí, serán las pequeñas luces en el mar de oscuridad en el que estoy perdido. Serán las luces que siempre tenía hace unos años antes de que desaparecieron en el corriente de competencia y sobrevivencia.

Algún día, espero, me volverán a mí a iluminar de nuevo aquellas inspiraciones que una vez tantas poseía, o mejor dicho, me acompañaban. Mis musas. La primera me vino a visitar cuando estaba en Madrid y la percibí en forma del dolor intenso provocado por el apendicitis. Parecía algo infernal y me enseñaba a tener miedo de la muerte y consecuentemente apreciar la belleza de la vida y todo lo que junto con ella venía. Desde entonces siempre se queda conmigo y que luego comenzaba a llamar a otras para que me inspiraran. Fueron los momentos de reflexiones en los que nunca me faltaba ningún recurso para seguir luchando por "algo" que hacía que la vida valiera la pena.

Pero en esta ciudad, todas de repente se desvanecieron, dejándome en la soledad sin ganas de expresar ni crear. Quizás necesite una escapada a algún lugar tranquilo o un viaje de regreso a Madrid para recargarme otra vez de las fuerzas que me ayudarán a luchar ... porque allí es la cuna de mis musas.

Beagle Sushi, yummy?

I'm a beagle deliciously named Sushi. I first came to this house on January 27th, blurred, disoriented and starving.

I happened to hear (not eavesdrop, mind you!) that "They" just wanted to take a look at my cuttie face and hadn't decided to "adopt" me yet. But after 15 minutes or so, I successfully cast my charming spell upon them, just by waging, biting and strolling around and being cute!

That was how I finally got into this messy house that seemed, for my beaglean taste, too untidy. But at least here I had got a gentle dotty Dalmatian uncle who always spared his time to play with me.

At first, I DID try to be nice and less stubborn (or even foolhardy) but I had to think twice when I knew what name "they" finally decided to give me.

I was soooooooooo excited, as a Thai-born western Beagle, to be called "Quillo" which means "A little boy" in Spanish. That sounded very chic and so aristocrat and would definitely set me apart from those mundane Beagles of other social levels. As a complimentary spectacle for my so-called owners, I danced around and tried to be nice for a couple of days until... One fine day, some of "them" came back from what they called "movie" and blessed me with this "Sushi" name.

Spanish name suddenly, without notice (and my consent), became Japanese! So that was when I officially got to be a (miserably) Thai-born western Beagle with a Japanese name. On the bright side, at least I still sound international. Should I complain?

So, one full month has passed and here I am, running, biting, eating, pooing, making a wee wee, having siestas, disobeying, growing and still kicking arse. Almost everything seems nice here and I'm starting to like "them", bit by bit though. If my ignorant memory doesn't fail me... I think one of them, who always come to play with me every evening around 7 o'clock and try very hard to express his affection on me, is called Mod.

The Signs

Sometimes the endless choices that stand before you, that lessen your instict by imposing on you the fear to make any decision that may affect the course of your future, can be overwhelming and consequently lead you to choose the worst path; doing nothing, standing still and being afraid to go for it.

When such moment comes, when our insticts are blurred by the intimidation of uncertainty that lies within the choices to be made, we desperately seek solutions, hints or clues that may help us get out of the maze. They may come in the form of anything, be it books, articles, advices from friends, mottos, quotes, philosophy or even yourself.

However, some say that such solutions don't come when you need them most. Sometimes, they never do. That's probably the time you have to look around you in search of the signs.

As Paolo Coelho says in his masterpiece "The Alchemist", God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you. I personally never believe in God, needless to say the signs. Nevertheless, my recent experience has taught me to take a good look at things at difficult time from a different angle and become more observant of the circumstances and things around me. They may reveal themselves and lead you to the end of the dark tunnel that seems endless. I learnt to search for the signs that support the decision I determined right and was about to make. When I found them, I went for it.

I was so afraid whether to take the offer in a medium-sized company that mainly dealt with Spanish clients although the position might perfectly fit me. It wasn't the establishment that was the problem but actually it was me. I was intimidated by my own ego and afraid that if I accepted the offer, I would soon abandon it to look for something "greater" for which I thought I was worth, as I had done in the past. Then again, I began to look around and noticed that some small details concerning the post did fit my lifestyle and needs. At once I knew they were "the signs", no matter how small they might be. From there I got to know I really wanted that opportunity and started to thread for the bigger ones which would finally inspire me to reach for the star. I knew that the "bigger signs" might or might not exist but the inspiration I got from the "smaller ones" had already propelled me to look for them at any cost and I finally found them. That was when I felt comfortable, either with myself or the circumstances, to make the decision and compromise myself at a long run and, of course, with no more clouds of uncertainty.

The great job I got wasn't the most precious treasure I had found. It was the experience itself. I finally see the existence of what I previously considered inexistent and have learned how to look at the positive side of small things that may inspire you for something greater.

When you're at a dead-end, it's probably time to start looking for the signs.

It's (Not) Hard to Say Goodbye

Finally another end of year has come. One more goodbye, just to meet another new year that is to come. It seems like any other transitional phase of the past years, except that I can feel "the change" in me as well. I don't have to wait until my next birthday to feel more mature, grown-up and insightful. It's this eventful year that has taught me to look beyond the surface of seperation within which lies something worth learning.

Since the first months I said goodbye to what seemed like the perfect professional opportunity for everybody else, imaginatively consolating myself with the promising probabilities that were still unknown.

Then one by one I waved good-bye to those beloved and trusted friends. The feeling, painstakingly unforgettable as it was, doubled in intensity when the time to look for the last time at the city I had been living in for almost three full years finally arrived.

Even before I could make it to Bangkok in hope of personally caring for one of my best pet dog, Toon, she had faught and lost the battle to the ravages of old age and lamentably breathed her last breath, nine days ahead of my arrival. Another tearful yet unreal goodbye.

As I thought that things would smooth down and get back to their own track, all of a sudden I unbelievably found myself in an emotional isolation, caused by my own arrogance and demanding standard. Sadly enough, I didn't realise that the day I walked away marked the parting of our ways forever.

Just as everything promising around me seemed heading down the drain and I readied myself for the next possible seperation from something I dearly held on to, nothing came but December. The last of the twelve months that marked the end of this beautifully nostalgic year and the goodbye of goodbyes.

Before looking forwards at what was awaiting in the future path, I decided to take a very close look at what I had found in those seperations. Plenty of things were there, waiting to be discovered and reflected at all time. It was just a question of perspective, whether I only chose to see the downsides of them or also the hidden treasures within. Now that I found some of them, I learned from it. I absorbed it...and I grew up.

So, just let me say my last goodbye to all separations I have suffered and embrace the upcoming challenges of the New Year!

2008...here I go!!!

Chronicles of Mod : Kho Khao - Nature Untouched

Phuket itself, as one of the world's most well-known destinations, stamped me with no impression I had previously expected before this trip. However, I found a consolation prize at Kho Khao, an undisturbed islet that lies just beside the province of Phang-Nga.

If you are looking for somewhere to recharge your battery while leaving all the burdens behind, including your brain, this is the perfect place.

Expect nothing but a simple non-stop rest in the (few) resorts of your choice and enjoy the delightful feast from the sea.

There aren't many fully developped touristic spots on the island but, for a long stay, you can manage to find some interesting activities to do such as fishing, mangrove forest sightseeing or taking a look at the ruins of an ancient city. For those who want to be a bit more active, snorkeling and scuba diving at the nearby (?) archipelago of Surin or Similan is also feasible.

For me, I think the island is already endowed with a characteristic charm. Its hardly touched nature, the biggest highlight. Well, it's a perfect hideaway with almost everything within reach (very near Phang-Nga and just a couple of hours from Phuket). The inland forests are being slowly invaded, cut down and exploited. So if you want to see how an unexploited island look like, without having to go a distance, try this alternative.