The Most Decisive Moment in my Life

Now is the most decisive moment in my life. Everything that happens from this moment on depends solely on the decision I'm going to make today. And it isn't an easy one.

Life in Spain and Hard Life in Bangkok, what will you choose?

After months of waiting and struggling, I've finally been authorised to apply for a Work and Temporary Residence Card. It hasn't been easy, since it took the company six full months to start the procedure, another four months for the Ministry of Labour. And now with the official permit for Work Visa in my hand, and a limited time period of one month, I must decide whether to go back and apply for the visa and come back here again, so as to continue my assignments and responsibilities in this company. All these efforts will be in vain if I choose to throw the chance away, just to return to normal chaotic life in Bangkok.

Two months ago, I was very determined to leave the job, but now, with the paper in hand, I'm not so sure. What if life in Bangkok wasn't what I'm expecting it to be? What if I didn't get the job that I'm applying for? What if things didn't come out as planned? What if being again with my Patto wasn't enough? Will I ever regret the path taken? Will I live in misery, overwhelmed by the mistake I've made? So many questions unanswered, and they never will be until I reach the decision.

I was told, today, by the boss that it wasn't fair for the company that, after all these bureaucracy and procedures the company had gone through FOR ME, I simply decided to go, leaving everything pending in the air and in mess. I didn't speak up, silence. I didn't dare, I suppose.

What dignified me the most was that the company did all the paper things FOR ME. Liars. Partly they did it for themselves. And they did it too late. They should have begun eight months ago, before summer, not after it. That was why I had to extend my Student Card by enrolling in a language school, which took me each month a good amount of my already reduced salary. It was the money I shouldn't have paid for had the work permit procedures been done earlier, but they lingered. Now tell me who was doing a favor for whom? If I hadn't stayed, parts of the project wouldn't have born fruit. They helped me to earn money? Forget about that, what I got paid was a misery because it was only media jornada.

But his comment makes it easier for me to reflect. Tomorrow I'll face what is about to come and justify my action. I'd love to live here and work for this company, but it just isn't me. I can't stomach what I'm doing daily. It's pure torture. The stress is eating me inside out and doesn't leave me in peace at night. I go to bed with headache, thinking of the next day and the tasks yet to be done; tasks I hate to do. Shall I sacrifice myself for the cause of the company? If not, will I be a prick? So be it.

Some other Thais might probably see me as a loser, the one who throws away the great opportunity of life. I used to compare myself to those who tried any means just to stay in Spain and I couldn't be at peace. Comparing oneself to the others will only deteriorate your state of mind. The solution? To hell what the others think of you. It's your choice, it's your chance.

Life in Bangkok may be hard. It's obviously not as beautiful as in Europe but my roots are there. At least I won't suffer from solitude nor loneliness because my family, my friends and Patto will always be there for me. And it took me two years and a half to realise how important they are to me, how their presence keeps me mentally alive and how much I love them.