An Incident on MSN

Unbelievable, it's been almost three months since I last updated this poor little blog of mine. Well, actually I spent all the time thinking about tons of subjects to write (and whine) about but never (as always!?) really got my ass up to start putting them down in letters. And so I ended up jotting down my ideas in separate pieces of memo which I left here and there and, surely, they would unretrievably disappear.

Enough for this little whining part. Let's get to the point then. Nothing can inspire me more than a subject on "love" and "relationship" just as it has done to many songwriters, playwrights, painters, photographers, artists, adults, adolescents or even amateur bloggers like me.

I've had quite a hard day today. I just got back an hour ago and immediately got connected to the cyberspace. The first gateway to my internet is MSN. As many people (or you?) may do, I possess two accounts, the official one and the other that serves more "playful" purposes (hmmm). These two represent the two extreme side of my characters; namely the shiny white one that I can always show proudly to the public (including you, of course!) and the other darker, more sinister and mysterious one, restrictively presented to a selected group of people (including you?) , with my physical self, being colored grey, in the middle. For this, the internet really works wonders on both the definition and creation of my identity at the same time.

From the "white" side, I can see people expressing their ideas, wishes and needs, mostly in line with the social norms and traditions, while I can as well do the same. On the contrary, the "darker" side allows me to see what I can hardly perceive in my physical world, what really lies deep down inside people's mind, things that are convicted and tagged as "open secrets". Topics involved are totally different or even unimaginable in some cases. However, I notice one common ground of these two shades; loneliness.

No matter what people on my lists seek, at some point I see that they are accompanied by some kind of loneliness that makes them long for a cure. Some rant about today's political situations, economic problems, star gossips and end up putting a verse of love song on their name. Others are constantly seeking ways to calm down their lust and desire but end up with messages that express their loneliness next to their names. Some always and only show their interests in sexual matters but somehow end up extending the scope of their conversations and asking for a chance to get to know more about other persons on the other side of the screen.

Today I logged on to both accounts and surprisingly found these kind of messages exceedingly noticeable. The other day a guy added me and asked if I would like to talk about a relationship with him or anything that might finally lead to it. A few days earlier, I had talked to five or six persons who brought me the same topic. Recalling this, I started to wonder why these people never meet each other. They all share the same goal but have never been fortunate enough to come across one another while those who are lucky to get to know them, like me, are never looking to end his/her loneliness yet. And I found this cruelly sad.

I have been living with my own style of loneliness since I don't know when but I believe I can cope up with it very well. However, what I have seen today defies my confidence and strikes and shakes the wall that I have created to protect my fragile core.

Now I'm not so sure that I'm as strong as I thought I was. I'm uncertain whether I can continue living on with my loneliness. I don't know if I'm still the one who can look at these lonely people and feel sorry for them... or actually I'm just one of them?